Sometimes I just want to pack up my Mac and a couple of books and leave. Move to a little shed in Tuscany, too far away from a supermarket to buy food and too beautiful to care. My meds are about to run out and I may not be able to get a new prescription for a week or so. I may go mad or I may actually feel sad enough to starve myself again. I need more sleep.

158.2 this morning!! Woohoo! xxx

160lbs this morning (0.8 down from yesterday) :-)

So, I gave in and weighed myself. I know it's 10pm so I'm probably lighter than this normally, but it's still worse than I though. 161lbs. This is going to be my target plan and I need to stick to it.

Do any of you lovelies have any 'punishment' ideas for when you don't reach your targets? Fasting just doesn't work for me - I have to spend too much time awake! I would really appreciate your ideas :-)

Anyway, here goes!

Start weight (20/03): 161
26/03 - 158
2/04 - 155
9/04 - 152
16/04 - 149
23/04 - 146
30/04 - 143
7/05 - 140
14/05 - 137
21/05 - 134
28/05 - 131
4/06 - 128
11/06 - 125
18/06 - 122
25/06 - 119
2/07 - 116
9/07 - 113
16/07 - 110
23/07 - 107
30/07 - 104 - TARGET!!

I was always happy at 107lbs. 104 would be perfect though :-) A long way to go and it's going to be a bloody awful journey, but I can do this. I have to.
xxxx

I know I keep having these manic stop-starts, but I think I need to be serious this time. I'm practically obese. Tomorrow I will weigh myself for the first time in weeks - possibly months - and get it to kick start my absolute drastic need to chop off a third of my body weight. I think I'm around the 157 mark - around 50lbs heavier than I was two years ago. My main problem is that I am currently sat on my bum from 7am to 8pm every weekday for the next few months while I complete some annoying training. This means it's practically impossible for me to do any serious exercise during the week as I'm so exhausted - plus it's dark out. I'm going to have to get mean with myself.

New plan:

• Get up earlier to have fruit and fibre cereal, a pint of water and do pilates and 100 stomach crunches. No more rushing out of the house with a slice of white toast!
• No more non-diet drinks. More water.
  
• Cut to 1500 calorie days for the next seven days, then bring that number down later.
• Stretch and stomach crunches before bed and then an early night sleep - no more catching up on Gossip Girl at 11pm!
• Do at least one hour of cardio at the weekend (difficult due to time constraints, but I will have to manage).
• MAINTAIN THIS! And blog!

I need you guys like I've never needed you before. I'm going to put together some weight targets before the weekend and work out what I'm doing. I can do this. I think.

xxx

What is wrong with me?

I took lax last night. Bulimia is such a pointless disease; I always found it a bit cowardly. I studied the Domino's pizza menu online for about 30 minutes tonight, but managed to resist. The start is always the hardest part of every diet and I feel so incredibly lost tonight. From 2pm today, all I have wanted to do is hide under my bedsheets and cry until I fell asleep. It's controlling me at the moment, teasing me, telling me I'm not ready or strong enough to give in to that wonderful feeling of weight-loss. I'm not sure I am, but, the again, I can't go back to how things were. I can't be 150+lbs. I cannot be a beached whale. I cannot.