Sometimes I just want to pack up my Mac and a couple of books and leave. Move to a little shed in Tuscany, too far away from a supermarket to buy food and too beautiful to care. My meds are about to run out and I may not be able to get a new prescription for a week or so. I may go mad or I may actually feel sad enough to starve myself again. I need more sleep.

158.2 this morning!! Woohoo! xxx

160lbs this morning (0.8 down from yesterday) :-)

So, I gave in and weighed myself. I know it's 10pm so I'm probably lighter than this normally, but it's still worse than I though. 161lbs. This is going to be my target plan and I need to stick to it.

Do any of you lovelies have any 'punishment' ideas for when you don't reach your targets? Fasting just doesn't work for me - I have to spend too much time awake! I would really appreciate your ideas :-)

Anyway, here goes!

Start weight (20/03): 161
26/03 - 158
2/04 - 155
9/04 - 152
16/04 - 149
23/04 - 146
30/04 - 143
7/05 - 140
14/05 - 137
21/05 - 134
28/05 - 131
4/06 - 128
11/06 - 125
18/06 - 122
25/06 - 119
2/07 - 116
9/07 - 113
16/07 - 110
23/07 - 107
30/07 - 104 - TARGET!!

I was always happy at 107lbs. 104 would be perfect though :-) A long way to go and it's going to be a bloody awful journey, but I can do this. I have to.
xxxx

I know I keep having these manic stop-starts, but I think I need to be serious this time. I'm practically obese. Tomorrow I will weigh myself for the first time in weeks - possibly months - and get it to kick start my absolute drastic need to chop off a third of my body weight. I think I'm around the 157 mark - around 50lbs heavier than I was two years ago. My main problem is that I am currently sat on my bum from 7am to 8pm every weekday for the next few months while I complete some annoying training. This means it's practically impossible for me to do any serious exercise during the week as I'm so exhausted - plus it's dark out. I'm going to have to get mean with myself.

New plan:

• Get up earlier to have fruit and fibre cereal, a pint of water and do pilates and 100 stomach crunches. No more rushing out of the house with a slice of white toast!
• No more non-diet drinks. More water.
  
• Cut to 1500 calorie days for the next seven days, then bring that number down later.
• Stretch and stomach crunches before bed and then an early night sleep - no more catching up on Gossip Girl at 11pm!
• Do at least one hour of cardio at the weekend (difficult due to time constraints, but I will have to manage).
• MAINTAIN THIS! And blog!

I need you guys like I've never needed you before. I'm going to put together some weight targets before the weekend and work out what I'm doing. I can do this. I think.

xxx

What is wrong with me?

I took lax last night. Bulimia is such a pointless disease; I always found it a bit cowardly. I studied the Domino's pizza menu online for about 30 minutes tonight, but managed to resist. The start is always the hardest part of every diet and I feel so incredibly lost tonight. From 2pm today, all I have wanted to do is hide under my bedsheets and cry until I fell asleep. It's controlling me at the moment, teasing me, telling me I'm not ready or strong enough to give in to that wonderful feeling of weight-loss. I'm not sure I am, but, the again, I can't go back to how things were. I can't be 150+lbs. I cannot be a beached whale. I cannot.

I'm still trying, but not in a totally committed way.

Today:
2 slices of toast with butter;
2 packets of crisp;
1 jacket potato with beans;
1 energy drink.

1500 calories. I'm getting better!! Saturday is going to be a complete write-off though ick.

Today:
1 bacon sandwich (no butter)
1 energy drink
2 packets of crisps
1 jacket potato with beans
1 Coke.

That's what - 1800 calories? Better than what I have been doing I guess. I think I need to cut down gradually. Carbs and sugar in particular. I can do this. I'm too scared to look at my scales still though.

It's been nearly a year... I think I'm back

I can't do it the normal way anymore. I've been trying for a year to be normal. I eat what I want. I exercise when I want. The result is that I'm now a slob. I am nearly at the overweight mark, I can feel it. At my lowest ever weight I was around 105lbs. It was pretty nice, but not quite enough on my legs. My 'easy' weight was between 113 and 117lbs. If I reached 119lbs I knew I would have to work a bit harder the next day. I was very happy with this lifestyle. Choosing what to wear in the morning wasn't a problem as most things looked pretty okay on me.

Now:
I wake up in the morning and feel my belly, soft and round; I walk to the bathroom and feel the first itch of the day as my thighs rub together; the weighing scales are propped up against the sink and we try to avoid eye contact whilst I brush my teeth; I am always late for work as none of my clothes fit and I am too proud to buy larger clothes. I think I'm about 150lbs. Maybe more. It's around that mark, anyway. I have never in my entire life been this heavy. I have never had a belly or inner thighs that rub to the extent of irritation. I have never felt this unattractive.

But I don't know if I want to go down that old familiar route. I am in a great relationship and am genuinely happy in the very general sense. But there is something missing. That secret only you have that you hold in the base of your tight, empty stomach.

Do I want it back?