a letter to elise

ldsgjrktfx/]. Maybe I'm too happy for thindom. It's certainly starting to look that way. Fuck yoooou, maturity!

Does anyone take any diet pills or use any form of herbal/chemical appetite suppressant? I have used sea kelp, Adios and some fat metaboliser that worked for about a millisecond. None of these I found worked a great deal. Would love your suggestions?
xoxox

PS
I read on one of your blogs that your doctor had prescribed you an appetite suppresant to stop binges despite being super skinny. Anyone else know anything about this?

i think i'm paranoid

I ate quite a bit today. Less than 2000 cal but still far too much. So I ran around in a little circle of feeling fat and sorry for myself, until I somehow dragged myself out of the whirlpool and did some exercise. Why can't I do this everytime? I am only young once. I can't keep flopping around like a wet bloody fish. It's the same pattern as always: *if* I was a size 6 or smaller I wouldn't spend so much money on clothes; I wouldn't spend so much money on food; I would feel happy and content and confident; the world would love me, etc etc. But I never get there. I stop. I get weak. Something trivial like hunger gets in the way and I can never seem to stop it. I have to do this this time. 105 will be enough. I'm not an anorectic; anorectics want to hide their size whereas I will flaunt mine all the time! I would appreciate it more than they do. I am only slightly delusional, promise. Meditation, coffee, appetite supressants, sleep. I can do this.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments and words of kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. It's all quite odd because no one in my real life would ever think I would have a blog like this. A couple of people know about my problems with eating (probably a few more after I screamed out in a very uncharacteristic rage that I hated food during work today) but they all think it is past now. I come across as happy, intelligent and liked. It's just not enough. It's not perfection and that's what I should be. That would sound totally mental to everyone else but you girls I think would understand that. I should be superwoman - perfection is possible.

turn back time

The parents are back and instantaneously I have also returned to potatoes, gravy, meat, sweets. This is serious. Not even GIS'ing Kate Bosworth is helping me. I need more sleep. Getting thinner is so much easier when I'm totally rested. I managed to get down to 115.8lbs on Saturday. Haven't weighed myself since - too scared. I will do tomorrow. I can do this. I have to do this. I might not be able to skip dinner, but I can skip lunch. I can't stay at this horrible midway-to-thindom state. I just want to be able to throw on a pair of super-tight jeans and look hot, without having to plan how to hide my thunder thighs under floaty material, but still keeping my skinny wrists on show. I want to run around in a bikini without worrying that my bum is causing a bloody earthquake or that flies aren't getting caught in my cellulite. fldsgrewr. Maybe I need a new evening hobby.

the scientist

I was 116 this morning! 1.6lb loss in 2 days isn't too bad. My body feels lighter. When I walk through rooms I almost feel like I'm floating again and it kind of feels magical. That may just be the new dizziness though. I had a skinny latte for breakfast, a 100 cal biscuit for mid-morning, <400 cal pasta for lunch that totally hasn't err digested properly and in the language of the people of the nation of mia that's a negative cal intake, and a 130 cal bag of crisps for mid-afternoon. Less than 700 so far. Some blogs on here recommended reading Diary of an Anorexic Girl by Morgan Menzie. I started it some time ago and never really got into, thinking it unrealistic, inaccurate for most experiences of anorectics and pretty poorly written. The latter may have been because I was reading Dostoyevsky in parallel. Anyway, this week the book came back to me whilst I noticed that a woman where I work has dropped to a BMI of what appears to be 17ish. Maybe lower. She's blaming it on an undiagnosed and probably made-up medical problem. I know that all she lives off is coffee and cigarettes. She's sort of become a point of inspiration for me in my world of girls the same weight or bigger than me. I wouldn't recommend the book to anyone (I found Wasted by Marya Hornbacher to be a much better example of that exhibitionist genre of literature), but finding a real-life point of inspiration certainly seems to be working for me.

pretty hate machine

I weighed myself on Tuesday morning as 117.6. That was fine. I ate less than 1500 calories that day - not my strongest but not my weakest at least. Today I have been pretty darn amazing - about 900 calories max. I know this isn't the 400 I was on this time last year but it is a good step after so many false starts. My stomach feels concave and I'm starting to remember why I like this feeling. If I brave the scales tomorrow I hope to god I'm 115. I need to be the size I should be. I need to be fragile and beautiful again.

we almost had a baby

A 110 calorie cereal bar for late breakfast, skinny latte for mid-morning snack (50 cal), pasta salad for lunch (410 cal), biscuit and Highlights' hot chocolate for dinner (120 cal) minus walking 7 miles (aprox 600 cal) = 90 calories. I'm pretty much in negative figures if you include the general stress of running around an office and ten flights of stairs several times a day. It's good to be left to myself.

I told the boy that it would not work out. He was clearly using me for rebound sex and using knowledge of some very intimate secrets of mine to get his way. This would be fine if I was only looking for fun but that never really works for me no matter what I tell myself. It's not that I get emotionally involved - ha, I wish - very often it's the guy that tries to take things further and I freak out and run away. Or he just still wants fun and I freak out and run away. Running away and staying in my own company is so much more easier sometimes. Maybe when I'm 105 and flimsy I will feel as lightweight and care-free as my body is.

a sorta fairytale

The parents have gone away for a week. It's midday and I haven't eaten yet :-) It's going to be a good week! Have a date tonight. Not sure whether I want to go - would rather stay in and feel the fat literally burn away from my thighs. Gosh, that sounds weird. I miss this feeling. 105lbs here I come.

he lays in the reigns

This is all so much easier when it's warm and summer outside. When the sky is grey and my bones are chattering against my fat, all I want to do is drink hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows and big fat hot meals. All I seem to want to have now is water and salad. Still having to go slow at the moment. From Saturday my parents are away for a week so I can skip dinner without questions hurrah. I will be walking 7 miles a day minimum too :-) I think I'm around 118 at the moment. Maybe less, maybe more. Thank god for Cadbury's Highlights - less than 50 calorie chocolate fix hurrah.

I'm still not sure whether I'm going to get back into this again whilst on anti-depressants. I'm still sad sometimes and angry and depressed in the numb way, but I kind of feel happy and content all the way through. But I shouldn't be content. I have a pair of Topshop tiny tiny size 8 leather skinnies to fit into :-)

back in black

I had to have a bit of a break. Things weren't working. I was stressed (and eating very much like an overweight, over-worked and under-fed stressed person) and it all felt so much like failure. I went to see my doctor who told me I had to give my new meds a bit more of a chance before changing again and work got even more stressful.

And then in the past week things have seemingly transformed. I started wearing tight jeans despite the fact I am 117lbs (at least). I got over my weird intimacy thing. My meds seemed to have also kicked in in the last day or two.

I can't help it though, it's still hanging over me. I shouldn't be this size. My ultimate deadline for weight and size is September and this didn't change during my break. I just stopped trying to actively pursue it for a while.

But I'm going to get there. I feel strong. I have a very big pile of size 6 jeans and short shorts that I intend to wear religiously very soon. It's not starting tonight and it might not start tomorrow but by the weekend I will have begun and it will be bloody amazing.

Hope all of you lovelies have been well and staying strong over the past month! I will try and catch up with everyone soon xoxox