i think i'm paranoid

I ate quite a bit today. Less than 2000 cal but still far too much. So I ran around in a little circle of feeling fat and sorry for myself, until I somehow dragged myself out of the whirlpool and did some exercise. Why can't I do this everytime? I am only young once. I can't keep flopping around like a wet bloody fish. It's the same pattern as always: *if* I was a size 6 or smaller I wouldn't spend so much money on clothes; I wouldn't spend so much money on food; I would feel happy and content and confident; the world would love me, etc etc. But I never get there. I stop. I get weak. Something trivial like hunger gets in the way and I can never seem to stop it. I have to do this this time. 105 will be enough. I'm not an anorectic; anorectics want to hide their size whereas I will flaunt mine all the time! I would appreciate it more than they do. I am only slightly delusional, promise. Meditation, coffee, appetite supressants, sleep. I can do this.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments and words of kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. It's all quite odd because no one in my real life would ever think I would have a blog like this. A couple of people know about my problems with eating (probably a few more after I screamed out in a very uncharacteristic rage that I hated food during work today) but they all think it is past now. I come across as happy, intelligent and liked. It's just not enough. It's not perfection and that's what I should be. That would sound totally mental to everyone else but you girls I think would understand that. I should be superwoman - perfection is possible.