i'll be your sorry ever after

Sorry for the complete and utter neglect over the past few weeks. The boyfriend and a brief stint in Italy have consumed my time a bit too much. But I'm back now. Promise! I put on a pound after far too much pizza and pasta in Venice and Sorrento making me a hefty 10.6lbs from my goal weight of 105. I'm still happy and have no real thirst for dieting anymore. Things are going to get tough again soon though. Summer is nearly over. I'll be needing my old friend again soon.

it may be time for mia

annie, did you hear about this one?

Love is making me fat again. He insists I'm skinny and small but I know better. It needs to become a little game again. Maybe if I insist to myself that ana would keep me me; it would stop me from turning too quickly into a big ball of happiness that is content to slob around with a man all day eating takeaways and drinking wine. I am SO SO SO happy and blissful and I have one of those involuntary smug smiles plastered on my face practically all of the time but there is a niggle somewhere. A niggle that I should be doing all kinds of things. A niggle that Ben & Jerry's cookie dough isn't a good idea and a niggle that maybe the sizzle you get when you haven't eaten for a little too long starts in the base of your belly. I want it back.

let the road pave itself

I'm too happy to starve. Go figure. Hovering around the 114.6/115.4 mark. Is this good? Is this bad?! I'm so frigging confused. It's nice, it all really truly and honestly is. Regular sex, cuddles and someone to talk to is lovely. Maybe my eating disorder and I have been friends for far too long; maybe that's it. She always pushed me forward, though! She was the one that made me strive to be the very best person I could possibly be. She made me read every book, collect connections and friends like weapon stockpiles and stay awake until god-knows-o-clock workingworkingworking. All I had to do was restrict my food intake.

And now that I'm happy I don't have time to read anymore. I haven't learnt anything new today. I did have a cake with my lunch and 3 slices of pizza for dinner. I'm also listening to Christian friggin' acousic. Goddamn the One Tree Hill soundtrack. I have always been hyper ambitious and nothing I have ever done has been good enough to the point it hurts. Maybe now that I'm happy I could achieve things. Maybe I would be happy with them.

I am going to kill this man if he has fixed me.