Sunday, 5 December 2010
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Monday, 29 November 2010
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Please, someone, anyone, give me your tips. Anything. I need help with this. I'm outta practice.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
I just found this rather contradictory post:
The images are quite shocking. I don't know what I was doing. Maybe I was feeling sad, maybe I wanted the attention; who knows. But I may have been googling pro-ana sites again and slipped upon this one, which pulled me right away from where I was. Being a skeleton is not beautiful. It's hideous. It's aging and unnatural and why would you want it? The achievement? It's a self-defeating pointless achievement as you're just going to end up dead. I want to be slim and I want to be happy. Happy trumps slim though. I just want to be healthy. I want my skin to glow, my hair to shine and I want the energy to dance and jump and walk and live and breathe.
Is this what you really want?
I'm not going back there. I thought I was tonight. But I'm not. Stay strong - the real, true kind of honest strong - with me?
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
I have nothing massively amazing to report. I am not feeling dramatic. I am still in love and still need to lose weight. I'm kinda happy though at the same time. It remains to be seen whether this is a good thing or not.
Monday, 11 October 2010
This was supposed to be my big hurrah; my chance at the cosmopolitan adulthood I have always fantasized about. But I'm struggling. Two weeks into my phd and I've already decided that this is hell on earth and not for me. I hate the subject. I am supposed to be reading reading reading frigging political philosophy and ethics right now (and for the last 5 hours), but instead all I have been doing is shopping for bags I cannot afford.
I need some perspective again.
I'm caught up in a stupid rut of feeling depressed and lethargic and unable to do anything. I don't want to be here. In fact I don't actually want to be anywhere. Sometimes you can't see the point in anything, y'know? That thick wooly curtain made up of all the leftover paint colours no one ever wants to use seems to fall down all around you and you can't find a way out. You can't see that most of the time you don't think like this at all. That there is a point to all of this madness. There is a very carefully planned and real reason why I am here in this wonderful city studying this course. I need to see this again. I'm getting fat again too. There are no scales in this place so god knows how much I weigh. I just want this horrible numbness to go away.
Sunday, 12 September 2010
I didn't know this was love; I always thought love was cut-out paper hearts and cupcakes and sharing candyfloss at the fair. Is this how I'm going to feel for the next 60 years? I'm afraid I might combust.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Monday, 9 August 2010
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
And now that I'm happy I don't have time to read anymore. I haven't learnt anything new today. I did have a cake with my lunch and 3 slices of pizza for dinner. I'm also listening to Christian friggin' acousic. Goddamn the One Tree Hill soundtrack. I have always been hyper ambitious and nothing I have ever done has been good enough to the point it hurts. Maybe now that I'm happy I could achieve things. Maybe I would be happy with them.
I am going to kill this man if he has fixed me.
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Monday, 26 July 2010
The only downside was that I had a million takeaway and alcohol calories (the worst kind!), and in my usual Monday fashion I binged like a pregnant pig today. Tomorrow I am flicking the switch back to emptiness and control and lightness. I have been so rubbish about skipping breakfast recently which is insane because it's the best meal ever. From tomorrow I intend to wake up at 6am, do 90 minutes of personal project stuff, jet off to work and try subside on about 600 calories (obviously that will be have to be reduced when I get stronger), 200 calorie evening meal and then an early night.
Sorry I have been a bit MIA recently, I am sending out much love and support to everyone! Will get round to all your blogs soon, including all the ones who have just started following. Promise.
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Monday, 19 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
I got upset first. Angry-upset. I tried to cry but the tears didn't really come out and I tried to shout but all I could manage were a few weak punches in my pillow. I considered posting pro-ana songs on my facebook to get his attention too but thank god I didn't resort to that. I think I'm more or less over it now. I don't get mad - I get thin and fabulous. I was too good for him anyway and this excuse for distance could be a really good thing if I stick it out. I channelled all this into a pseudo-fast today (diet coke, skinny latte and a small sandwich when I started to feel dizzy). I'm going to try to swap the sandwich for a banana tomorrow. I woke up at 116.4 today which was a bit gross. Hopefully I will see smaller number tomorrow. I hope to hell I keep this up.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Friday, 2 July 2010
I was 116 this morning which isn't terrifying. Hopefully will be back int he 115s tomorow hurrah.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Does anyone take any diet pills or use any form of herbal/chemical appetite suppressant? I have used sea kelp, Adios and some fat metaboliser that worked for about a millisecond. None of these I found worked a great deal. Would love your suggestions?
I read on one of your blogs that your doctor had prescribed you an appetite suppresant to stop binges despite being super skinny. Anyone else know anything about this?
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments and words of kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. It's all quite odd because no one in my real life would ever think I would have a blog like this. A couple of people know about my problems with eating (probably a few more after I screamed out in a very uncharacteristic rage that I hated food during work today) but they all think it is past now. I come across as happy, intelligent and liked. It's just not enough. It's not perfection and that's what I should be. That would sound totally mental to everyone else but you girls I think would understand that. I should be superwoman - perfection is possible.
Monday, 28 June 2010
The parents are back and instantaneously I have also returned to potatoes, gravy, meat, sweets. This is serious. Not even GIS'ing Kate Bosworth is helping me. I need more sleep. Getting thinner is so much easier when I'm totally rested. I managed to get down to 115.8lbs on Saturday. Haven't weighed myself since - too scared. I will do tomorrow. I can do this. I have to do this. I might not be able to skip dinner, but I can skip lunch. I can't stay at this horrible midway-to-thindom state. I just want to be able to throw on a pair of super-tight jeans and look hot, without having to plan how to hide my thunder thighs under floaty material, but still keeping my skinny wrists on show. I want to run around in a bikini without worrying that my bum is causing a bloody earthquake or that flies aren't getting caught in my cellulite. fldsgrewr. Maybe I need a new evening hobby.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Monday, 21 June 2010
I told the boy that it would not work out. He was clearly using me for rebound sex and using knowledge of some very intimate secrets of mine to get his way. This would be fine if I was only looking for fun but that never really works for me no matter what I tell myself. It's not that I get emotionally involved - ha, I wish - very often it's the guy that tries to take things further and I freak out and run away. Or he just still wants fun and I freak out and run away. Running away and staying in my own company is so much more easier sometimes. Maybe when I'm 105 and flimsy I will feel as lightweight and care-free as my body is.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Thursday, 17 June 2010
I'm still not sure whether I'm going to get back into this again whilst on anti-depressants. I'm still sad sometimes and angry and depressed in the numb way, but I kind of feel happy and content all the way through. But I shouldn't be content. I have a pair of Topshop tiny tiny size 8 leather skinnies to fit into :-)
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
And then in the past week things have seemingly transformed. I started wearing tight jeans despite the fact I am 117lbs (at least). I got over my weird intimacy thing. My meds seemed to have also kicked in in the last day or two.
I can't help it though, it's still hanging over me. I shouldn't be this size. My ultimate deadline for weight and size is September and this didn't change during my break. I just stopped trying to actively pursue it for a while.
But I'm going to get there. I feel strong. I have a very big pile of size 6 jeans and short shorts that I intend to wear religiously very soon. It's not starting tonight and it might not start tomorrow but by the weekend I will have begun and it will be bloody amazing.
Hope all of you lovelies have been well and staying strong over the past month! I will try and catch up with everyone soon xoxox
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Are we all chronic over-achievers?
I have been a chronic over-achiever since I was very young. I learnt to walk before most kids and insisted on walking everywhere whilst my peers were pushed around in prams. I learnt to add, multiply and divide before I was out of nursery. At the age of 9 I had a very strong and distinct image of how I would be when I was 15. That image didn't exactly come true (no I didn't have a wonderful boyfriend whom I loved as did everyone else, no I wasn't head girl with perfect grades, a published author and accepted into Cambridge 3 years early). The images became more and more wild and wonderful and they continue to do so. I haven't succeeded in any of them thus far, although every once in a while I will suddenly realise I feel amazing, I look amazing and I am content and I flick back to my 9 year old self and look up at me now and realise that I'm doing pretty alright for myself.
But is ignorance really bliss? My first doctor told me I need to stop setting impossible targets for myself as it was a problem. I mentioned this in one of the therapy groups I had to attend and it was reported back to me that this isn't true. That goals are really very good for you. Sometimes I think I would be a lot happier if I didn't care and dream so much, but I can't get my head around having that mindframe in the first place! Do I try and tone it down? Will this be translated by my psyche as defeat and my self-worth eroded even further?
You are what you are, I guess.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
I hope everyone's doing good and staying strong xo
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
I slipped tonight, I ate and ate. It was good food - not crisps and sweets but filling and healthy Italian but that still doesn't change things. I slipped up yet again. I need to maintain my focus on exactly what it is I want. Maybe I need to spell out more? Maybe that will make it real. I feel so silly saying it, but what I want is to be so very light and elegant. I don't want to make a single noise when I walk. I want to be able to wear short shorts without worrying that the dimples in the tops of my thighs are showing. I want to be thought of as beautiful on a unianimous scale. I want to model and be celebrated. I want to be successful. And the thing is - I know all of these things can happen for me. They *should* all happen. I just need the gap between my thighs to widen a little bit more. I need discipline. The starting is always so much harder than everything else and I really haven't started yet. I haven't started since December when I got to 110 and then blew it all for a chance to be one of those girls 'who eats so much but never gains weight' (and you guessed it, I gained 8lbs). fdjgelrs;dwltrf. I wish I would get into that mindset already. So jealous of you all who are there in that place.
Do you really need that can of full-sugar Coke when there's a Diet Coke sitting right next to it that's not going to stick straight onto your hips? Do you really, really need that blueberry muffin, skinny or not, when you could hover around that tickling feeling in the base of your stomach for a couple more hours, knowing that you were strong and in control by the way you feel lighter and dizzier by the second?
I am a hypocrite but I need to start asking myself these questions a little more often. I am dehydrated and tired. These things push me to eat and drink things I don't really want and take me further and further away from what I want to be.
Bulimia is never the answer; it just doesn't work. Neither does jumping straight from a binge to starvation. It really does have to be gradual process. I have had about 1400 calories today and I'm just about to go to the gym to burn off 400 of them. I'm okay with this for now because I know it's the only way.
Monday, 3 May 2010
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Saturday, 24 April 2010
I went for drinks last night. Within seconds of walking through the door a girl I hadn't seen in a while told me ohmygoshyouvegottensothin!! And it was so bloody awkward. No I am not thin. You can say that in 10lbs time. Maybe. My best friend who knows about my 'history' but not my 'current' noticed and killed her off with a yeah, but she's always been tiny comment and the curtains could fall down. Ha, I was tiny when I was 9.5 stone? Sure. I again got far too drunk off one glass of wine and told my friend who has had some non-personal experience with severe EDs that I want to lose 10lbs. That wasn't a good move. I read in someone's blog the amazing advice that you shouldn't tell *anyone* about your diets. I intend to stick to that from now on. Someone told me yesterday how I eat so much but never seem to put on weight. That's the image I should be maintaining!
I have cancelled my date for tonight. Maybe when I return from Egypt I could be lovely and thin and deal with it, but right now I feel like an elephant.
Thank you lovelies for all your support and comments. I will get round to looking at all your blogs very soon.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Monday, 19 April 2010
Thanks everyone for your replies yesterday regarding when you weigh yourselves! I think I will stick to mornings for now :-)
Sunday, 18 April 2010
I was doing really well today. Just one (albeit large) meal. And then it happened. My hangover got the best of me and I have just had 5 biscuits and a packet of crisps. That's my excuse anyway. Obviously has nothing to do with my lack of control and weakness.
When do you girls weigh yourselves? I always jump on my scales first thing in the morning without any clothes and after going to the toilet. It feels kind of like cheating though. I weighed myself just before my shower tonight and I was 117.2 - 1.2lbs heavier. Which is my 'real' weight?! Sometimes I will fluctuate 3lbs across a day. Does this mean I should aim for 102lbs for my weight in the morning?
I forgot that not eating much can seriously effect the impact of alcohol. I had one glass of wine last night and I had to be escorted home! It was pretty embarassing. I don't drink very much anyway (control freak, shock horror!) so I guess it's not going to be too much of an adjustment for me again. I think I have had around 900 calories today - maybe slightly more. I won't be eating for the rest of the day now. The scales were flicking between 115.6 and 116 today :):):)
Friday, 16 April 2010
Feel quite... blah. Skipped breakfast. Had half a curry and rice. Had a Dr Pepper. Had a packet of crisps and tube of sweets. Found out my flight has been cancelled and therefore won't be going to Egypt this weekend. Had the other half of the curry and rice. Slice of cream cake. Chocolate and more sweets.
I remember when I got really good at this whole thing last time and food would actually scare me. Even when I tried to eat again it would make me feel sick and would give me horrible pains in my stomach. I wish I could get back to that. I don't know if I'm disappointed in myself for eating or upset at the cancellation of my holiday. Even if it is just the latter (which it probably is), I am hopefully going to try and channel some of this pain into getting myself back to where I should be. I want to disappear for a while and come back as a little waif of a thing, perfectly angular and compact. I guess I'm not going to get the chance to do that for a while now.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Monday, 12 April 2010
I'm going to trial not weighing myself too. Because I know I have ballooned beyond belief, I'm worried that weighing myself in the mornings will just depress me and may send me the other way. I'm going to try and see how this goes all this week and next week, when I'm in Egypt, I won't be able to weigh myself then anyway and will probably not be able to eat the food. Two weeks of not knowing how much I weigh!!! Terrifying.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
I am 118lbs. I was 119 yesterday. I am not even eating that much. Well, more than I should be but still less than 2000 calories a day. And I'm exercising a lot. I am essentially doing what normal people do. But normal people don't have to put up with fat literally growing on their hips and thighs at the speed of light. And today has been so utterly miserable. My depression has been quite painful these past few days and so I have been walking around all tragic and woe-is-me which is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. I should have a smile plastered across my face so no one can see that I'm disappearing in the best possible way. I'm scared that my new meds have stopped working. They were making me so happy and active and talkative before. I was a completely different person.
I bought some new jeans today. I shouldn't be spending money but I did and when I took them home, the button wouldn't even fasten. So I had ice cream. And two packets of crisps. And toast. And chocolate. And now I am going to have to face the scale telling me I am 120 tomorrow. I am quite tempted to skip the scales and pretend tonight did not happen and try and somehow get back to that focus I had not so long ago. I want my thinness back. I want thighs that don't jiggle and rub together when I walk. I want my beautiful cheekbones back.
Monday, 5 April 2010
Monday, 29 March 2010
I have been trying something different this time. Before, I could go straight from normal to 500 calories a day without any slow descent. My recent binging (that has been going on since 1 January!) is going to require a bit more of a downgrading, particularly seeing as I didn't put on any weight from eating takeaways and chocolate like it was going out of fashion due to a lot of exercise and sea kelp. I have been so busy at work that I don't really have enough time to eat much anymore. I have a slice of toast in the morning, copious amounts of tea and coffee throughout the day, a salad or soup for lunch, followed by perhaps some crisps, and then whatever my parents make for dinner. I am still mostly eat dinner at the moment. I skip it only once or twice a week: slow descents. I take any excuse at work to walk to other departments and rooms, fidgeting, fidgeting, fidgeting constantly. I haven't weighed myself for the past couple of days. I got my period on Friday which would explain why I was 119lbs, but that's also quite a promising sign. I will be 114lbs by the end of the week. Two people called me tiny on Saturday night. What a lovely word! A little misplaced right now but it will sound better next to my name soon enough.
I have a date tomorrow night. Another excuse to skip dinner!
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
- Keep a stash of prothinspo images. Google image search 'go to' celebs you know wouldn't ever fail you for when you're feeling weak, eg Kate Bosworth, Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan, Erin Wasson.
- Drink black tea, black coffee or water whenever you feel hungry! The caffeine in tea and coffee will perk you up, the water will clean out your body and tea is filled with antioxidants. They also fill you up :-)
- Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. You will train yourself not to think about eating.
- Eat in front of the mirror (naked or not!).
- Fidget fidget fidget!
- If you feel like you need to binge, go for a walk and make yourself busy for 20 minutes. If you're on your own, do starjumps in front of the mirror!
- Chew very slowly. Break the food down as much as possible! You will feel fuller quicker.
- Eat seaweed or take kelp pills to boost your metabolism.
- Sleep as much as possible. Not only does that mean you skip meals, it is also proven that those that sleep more tend to eat less than those who do not.
6:45am Wake up and go for a run if it isn't raining too hard. If it is, yoga and cardio in my bedroom.
7:15am Breakfast of water, tea and orange juice.
10:30am Black tea.
13:00 If hungry, tomato soup and breadroll. If not hungry, skinny latte to go in the library.
15:00 Black tea.
18:00 Whatever dinner my father makes (first steps first!).
Sunday, 21 March 2010
11.6lbs to go!
Sunday, 14 March 2010
My highest weight was 136lbs. As I am 167cm, that made my BMI 22.1. It was hardly obesity but it still felt incredibly gross. My constant mantra back then was "when I get to 119lbs, I will...". So two years ago I finally pulled together the focus and control and for two weeks I ate 500 calories and ran twice a day and by the end of it, to my amazement, I found my scales reading 121lbs. I upped and downed for a while and then last year things got a bit more serious. I had played around with laxatives before, but around Christmas 2008 I was eating so little and taking so many of them that I was either fainting or lying vertically whilst clutching my stomach in agony most of the time. At this point I was still hovering around the 121lb mark (anyone who has had experience with any form of bulimia will tell you it's a rubbish way to lose weight). I had a little rest for a while and then drowned myself in calorie limiting and controlled bulimia at around Easter 2009. And then, one night after Easter, something out-of-this-world-life-changing happened. Even now I'm not completely sure whether it was as terrible as it felt. I've developed a skill in dancing around the subject and that's exactly what I'm going to do here. On this night, under the guise of far too much alcohol and feign-sleeping, someone took the control away from me in my own room and in my own bed. I guess that wasn't particularly subtle! The following day I found I was 118lb - my lowest weight yet and 1lb below my target. It felt, ironically, fantastic. At this point I was blaming myself for The Incident. Sometimes today I still do. As far as I was concerned, he had done nothing wrong and my reactions (which included a long series of panic attacks and other lovely things) indicated only my own weaknesses. The following week I booked an appointment to see a counsellor about these weaknesses I saw in myself. I was convinced she would tell me that I was indeed over-reacting, but within 5 minutes of sitting down she had used the r word, informed me I had a severe eating disorder (to which I was oblivious to) and had me in floods of tears. I'm not exactly the crying sort!! She persuaded me to book a doctors appointment that day, which I did, and the doctor sat with me for quite a scary and extraordinary-for-the-NHS hour. He gave me a super-urgent referral to the Eating Disorder Service and a series of annoying blood tests. He also amazingly rounded my weight up and my height down, despite the fact I told him I measured both - as well as my hips, thighs, waist and bust measurements and BMI - daily to the decimal! I used this period to slip to as low a weight as I could. I got to 112.4lb and then stopped weighing myself. That summer I made a conscious effort to stop being so obsessive. I knew it was unhealthy and that it had to stop. This was going pretty well until December when I decided to give my old habit another go again. I was really enjoying the tight feeling in my belly and watching the numbers shrink daily and by New Years Eve I was 110lbs and had a wonderful BMI of 17.9. It was amazing! I ran around in my bra and knickers without feeling like a giant elephant and it was just so very comfortable. It felt right and exactly how I should be. And then, on New Years Day, I decided I was invincible. I had about 3000 calories in total. I decided I am one of those people who can eat exactly what I want but still stay thin. This has been an on/off practuce for the last 3 months but I have finally decided NO MORE. I'm going to start feeling the way my belly contracts in when I don't eat for a few hours, and the way I feel as light as a balloon, as though anyone could pick me up as though I was nothing but a feather again. The being carried around part has always been a weird kind of focus for me.
But enough about history for now. Onwards and upwards, etc. The aim is 105lb (BMI 17.1). I will be happy there, where my thighs arch outwards to create an oval of air inbetween and fat doesn't spill out like the tops of muffins no matter how tight my clothes are. I remember when 119lb seemed so impossible and 105 does, but not nearly in the same way. I've had my final binge. I've had my last an-instant-2lbs free-for-all on crisps and cake. Tomorrow I will pull out all the big guns with an intense work-out and 1000 calorie day and begin the weighing and recording again on Tuesday. By the end of Easter I will be where I need to be and I intend to stay that way. This is going to be an amazing journey; I can just feel it!
Current: 118.6lb - BMI 19.3. 13.6lb to go!