I took lax last night. Bulimia is such a pointless disease; I always found it a bit cowardly. I studied the Domino's pizza menu online for about 30 minutes tonight, but managed to resist. The start is always the hardest part of every diet and I feel so incredibly lost tonight. From 2pm today, all I have wanted to do is hide under my bedsheets and cry until I fell asleep. It's controlling me at the moment, teasing me, telling me I'm not ready or strong enough to give in to that wonderful feeling of weight-loss. I'm not sure I am, but, the again, I can't go back to how things were. I can't be 150+lbs. I cannot be a beached whale. I cannot.

I'm still trying, but not in a totally committed way.

Today:
2 slices of toast with butter;
2 packets of crisp;
1 jacket potato with beans;
1 energy drink.

1500 calories. I'm getting better!! Saturday is going to be a complete write-off though ick.

Today:
1 bacon sandwich (no butter)
1 energy drink
2 packets of crisps
1 jacket potato with beans
1 Coke.

That's what - 1800 calories? Better than what I have been doing I guess. I think I need to cut down gradually. Carbs and sugar in particular. I can do this. I'm too scared to look at my scales still though.

It's been nearly a year... I think I'm back

I can't do it the normal way anymore. I've been trying for a year to be normal. I eat what I want. I exercise when I want. The result is that I'm now a slob. I am nearly at the overweight mark, I can feel it. At my lowest ever weight I was around 105lbs. It was pretty nice, but not quite enough on my legs. My 'easy' weight was between 113 and 117lbs. If I reached 119lbs I knew I would have to work a bit harder the next day. I was very happy with this lifestyle. Choosing what to wear in the morning wasn't a problem as most things looked pretty okay on me.

Now:
I wake up in the morning and feel my belly, soft and round; I walk to the bathroom and feel the first itch of the day as my thighs rub together; the weighing scales are propped up against the sink and we try to avoid eye contact whilst I brush my teeth; I am always late for work as none of my clothes fit and I am too proud to buy larger clothes. I think I'm about 150lbs. Maybe more. It's around that mark, anyway. I have never in my entire life been this heavy. I have never had a belly or inner thighs that rub to the extent of irritation. I have never felt this unattractive.

But I don't know if I want to go down that old familiar route. I am in a great relationship and am genuinely happy in the very general sense. But there is something missing. That secret only you have that you hold in the base of your tight, empty stomach.

Do I want it back?