I have finally cracked it! I'm lying in bed clutching at my stomach and have the biggest smile on my face because I'm back to where I should be. I can feel my belly tingling like little bells are rocking against the insides and ringing out the sound of success, of beauty and control and everything else. And I have no desire to eat at all.
I have been trying something different this time. Before, I could go straight from normal to 500 calories a day without any slow descent. My recent binging (that has been going on since 1 January!) is going to require a bit more of a downgrading, particularly seeing as I didn't put on any weight from eating takeaways and chocolate like it was going out of fashion due to a lot of exercise and sea kelp. I have been so busy at work that I don't really have enough time to eat much anymore. I have a slice of toast in the morning, copious amounts of tea and coffee throughout the day, a salad or soup for lunch, followed by perhaps some crisps, and then whatever my parents make for dinner. I am still mostly eat dinner at the moment. I skip it only once or twice a week: slow descents. I take any excuse at work to walk to other departments and rooms, fidgeting, fidgeting, fidgeting constantly. I haven't weighed myself for the past couple of days. I got my period on Friday which would explain why I was 119lbs, but that's also quite a promising sign. I will be 114lbs by the end of the week. Two people called me tiny on Saturday night. What a lovely word! A little misplaced right now but it will sound better next to my name soon enough.
I have a date tomorrow night. Another excuse to skip dinner!
+++countdown+++
Monday, 29 March 2010
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
the ice is getting thinner
Tips I've picked up on my rounds on pro-ana sites that I think have potential/tried and tested:
- Keep a stash of prothinspo images. Google image search 'go to' celebs you know wouldn't ever fail you for when you're feeling weak, eg Kate Bosworth, Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan, Erin Wasson.
- Drink black tea, black coffee or water whenever you feel hungry! The caffeine in tea and coffee will perk you up, the water will clean out your body and tea is filled with antioxidants. They also fill you up :-)
- Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. You will train yourself not to think about eating.
- Eat in front of the mirror (naked or not!).
- Fidget fidget fidget!
- If you feel like you need to binge, go for a walk and make yourself busy for 20 minutes. If you're on your own, do starjumps in front of the mirror!
- Chew very slowly. Break the food down as much as possible! You will feel fuller quicker.
- Eat seaweed or take kelp pills to boost your metabolism.
- Sleep as much as possible. Not only does that mean you skip meals, it is also proven that those that sleep more tend to eat less than those who do not.
- Keep a stash of prothinspo images. Google image search 'go to' celebs you know wouldn't ever fail you for when you're feeling weak, eg Kate Bosworth, Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan, Erin Wasson.
- Drink black tea, black coffee or water whenever you feel hungry! The caffeine in tea and coffee will perk you up, the water will clean out your body and tea is filled with antioxidants. They also fill you up :-)
- Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. You will train yourself not to think about eating.
- Eat in front of the mirror (naked or not!).
- Fidget fidget fidget!
- If you feel like you need to binge, go for a walk and make yourself busy for 20 minutes. If you're on your own, do starjumps in front of the mirror!
- Chew very slowly. Break the food down as much as possible! You will feel fuller quicker.
- Eat seaweed or take kelp pills to boost your metabolism.
- Sleep as much as possible. Not only does that mean you skip meals, it is also proven that those that sleep more tend to eat less than those who do not.
have you seen me lately?
Struggling so badly. The first step is always the hardest and I can't seem to meaningfully jump forward. Had another binge today (MacDonald's meal with full fat Coke, piece of cake with icing, 2 packets of crisps, sweets, chocolate, full breakfast and dinner) and that makes 3 days in a row. I weighed myself this morning at 118lbs. 118!! I can't wait until I leave this job and live by myself again so I don't have to hide my habits anymore (not that anyone takes any notice anyway - everyone I live with have their own food problems). I have to stop it tomorrow. It has to stop. I am going to leave my cash and cards at home and have only a slice of toast for breakfast, soup and roll for lunch and something like toast for dinner. Toast is a wonder-food. It makes you feel so full! It's a nasty carb, I know, but for 170 calories you can have a slice of yummy white with full-fat butter spread on it. It warms you up (all those familiar with the rather cooling effect of weightloss with hear me here!) and it tastes GOOD. I always round up my calories anyway - tomorrow I will have 800 calories, which is more like 600 in reality. That should jump-start the control again. It's funny, when I lose control with food I usually lose control with money. I spent $400 on rubbish last night. I need a plan and the guts to follow it through. This will be my diet tomorrow:
6:45am Wake up and go for a run if it isn't raining too hard. If it is, yoga and cardio in my bedroom.
7:15am Breakfast of water, tea and orange juice.
10:30am Black tea.
13:00 If hungry, tomato soup and breadroll. If not hungry, skinny latte to go in the library.
15:00 Black tea.
18:00 Whatever dinner my father makes (first steps first!).
IhavehaveHAVEhavehavetodothis.
6:45am Wake up and go for a run if it isn't raining too hard. If it is, yoga and cardio in my bedroom.
7:15am Breakfast of water, tea and orange juice.
10:30am Black tea.
13:00 If hungry, tomato soup and breadroll. If not hungry, skinny latte to go in the library.
15:00 Black tea.
18:00 Whatever dinner my father makes (first steps first!).
IhavehaveHAVEhavehavetodothis.
Sunday, 21 March 2010
i'll be your mirror
I haven't had that great moment of determination yet, but I have somehow managed to sink down to 116.6. I'm absolutely terrified that it's just water weight and that it will pile straight back on tomorrow morning (particularly seeing as I had an extra large popcorn at the cinema tonight...). I need to drag some of that focus back to me. I am quitting my gym, which, ironically, I am hoping will let me lose weight. See, when I plan to go, I always have to ensure I eat a lot that day in order to build up some stamina for a workout. So no more! I'm clipping away at all of my stock excuses to eat unnecessarily. I'm going to re-start yoga and meditating as well and see if this helps me find the focus and inner strength I need.
116.6lbs
18.9 BMI
11.6lbs to go!
116.6lbs
18.9 BMI
11.6lbs to go!
Sunday, 14 March 2010
every end has a start
I decided about a week ago to start some sort of record of my - well, what can I really call it? My doctor would probably call it my undoing or something much more dramatic, but that seems far too negative. These past three years of active and physical 'undoing' have actually been pretty positive in some ways. In some ways these past three years have also seen quite manical periods of insanity, but at least it has given a focus and central point to my madness and it is certainly the case that not all of these periods were driven by what I will call my inconsistent penchant for starvation and weight control.
My highest weight was 136lbs. As I am 167cm, that made my BMI 22.1. It was hardly obesity but it still felt incredibly gross. My constant mantra back then was "when I get to 119lbs, I will...". So two years ago I finally pulled together the focus and control and for two weeks I ate 500 calories and ran twice a day and by the end of it, to my amazement, I found my scales reading 121lbs. I upped and downed for a while and then last year things got a bit more serious. I had played around with laxatives before, but around Christmas 2008 I was eating so little and taking so many of them that I was either fainting or lying vertically whilst clutching my stomach in agony most of the time. At this point I was still hovering around the 121lb mark (anyone who has had experience with any form of bulimia will tell you it's a rubbish way to lose weight). I had a little rest for a while and then drowned myself in calorie limiting and controlled bulimia at around Easter 2009. And then, one night after Easter, something out-of-this-world-life-changing happened. Even now I'm not completely sure whether it was as terrible as it felt. I've developed a skill in dancing around the subject and that's exactly what I'm going to do here. On this night, under the guise of far too much alcohol and feign-sleeping, someone took the control away from me in my own room and in my own bed. I guess that wasn't particularly subtle! The following day I found I was 118lb - my lowest weight yet and 1lb below my target. It felt, ironically, fantastic. At this point I was blaming myself for The Incident. Sometimes today I still do. As far as I was concerned, he had done nothing wrong and my reactions (which included a long series of panic attacks and other lovely things) indicated only my own weaknesses. The following week I booked an appointment to see a counsellor about these weaknesses I saw in myself. I was convinced she would tell me that I was indeed over-reacting, but within 5 minutes of sitting down she had used the r word, informed me I had a severe eating disorder (to which I was oblivious to) and had me in floods of tears. I'm not exactly the crying sort!! She persuaded me to book a doctors appointment that day, which I did, and the doctor sat with me for quite a scary and extraordinary-for-the-NHS hour. He gave me a super-urgent referral to the Eating Disorder Service and a series of annoying blood tests. He also amazingly rounded my weight up and my height down, despite the fact I told him I measured both - as well as my hips, thighs, waist and bust measurements and BMI - daily to the decimal! I used this period to slip to as low a weight as I could. I got to 112.4lb and then stopped weighing myself. That summer I made a conscious effort to stop being so obsessive. I knew it was unhealthy and that it had to stop. This was going pretty well until December when I decided to give my old habit another go again. I was really enjoying the tight feeling in my belly and watching the numbers shrink daily and by New Years Eve I was 110lbs and had a wonderful BMI of 17.9. It was amazing! I ran around in my bra and knickers without feeling like a giant elephant and it was just so very comfortable. It felt right and exactly how I should be. And then, on New Years Day, I decided I was invincible. I had about 3000 calories in total. I decided I am one of those people who can eat exactly what I want but still stay thin. This has been an on/off practuce for the last 3 months but I have finally decided NO MORE. I'm going to start feeling the way my belly contracts in when I don't eat for a few hours, and the way I feel as light as a balloon, as though anyone could pick me up as though I was nothing but a feather again. The being carried around part has always been a weird kind of focus for me.
But enough about history for now. Onwards and upwards, etc. The aim is 105lb (BMI 17.1). I will be happy there, where my thighs arch outwards to create an oval of air inbetween and fat doesn't spill out like the tops of muffins no matter how tight my clothes are. I remember when 119lb seemed so impossible and 105 does, but not nearly in the same way. I've had my final binge. I've had my last an-instant-2lbs free-for-all on crisps and cake. Tomorrow I will pull out all the big guns with an intense work-out and 1000 calorie day and begin the weighing and recording again on Tuesday. By the end of Easter I will be where I need to be and I intend to stay that way. This is going to be an amazing journey; I can just feel it!
Current: 118.6lb - BMI 19.3. 13.6lb to go!
My highest weight was 136lbs. As I am 167cm, that made my BMI 22.1. It was hardly obesity but it still felt incredibly gross. My constant mantra back then was "when I get to 119lbs, I will...". So two years ago I finally pulled together the focus and control and for two weeks I ate 500 calories and ran twice a day and by the end of it, to my amazement, I found my scales reading 121lbs. I upped and downed for a while and then last year things got a bit more serious. I had played around with laxatives before, but around Christmas 2008 I was eating so little and taking so many of them that I was either fainting or lying vertically whilst clutching my stomach in agony most of the time. At this point I was still hovering around the 121lb mark (anyone who has had experience with any form of bulimia will tell you it's a rubbish way to lose weight). I had a little rest for a while and then drowned myself in calorie limiting and controlled bulimia at around Easter 2009. And then, one night after Easter, something out-of-this-world-life-changing happened. Even now I'm not completely sure whether it was as terrible as it felt. I've developed a skill in dancing around the subject and that's exactly what I'm going to do here. On this night, under the guise of far too much alcohol and feign-sleeping, someone took the control away from me in my own room and in my own bed. I guess that wasn't particularly subtle! The following day I found I was 118lb - my lowest weight yet and 1lb below my target. It felt, ironically, fantastic. At this point I was blaming myself for The Incident. Sometimes today I still do. As far as I was concerned, he had done nothing wrong and my reactions (which included a long series of panic attacks and other lovely things) indicated only my own weaknesses. The following week I booked an appointment to see a counsellor about these weaknesses I saw in myself. I was convinced she would tell me that I was indeed over-reacting, but within 5 minutes of sitting down she had used the r word, informed me I had a severe eating disorder (to which I was oblivious to) and had me in floods of tears. I'm not exactly the crying sort!! She persuaded me to book a doctors appointment that day, which I did, and the doctor sat with me for quite a scary and extraordinary-for-the-NHS hour. He gave me a super-urgent referral to the Eating Disorder Service and a series of annoying blood tests. He also amazingly rounded my weight up and my height down, despite the fact I told him I measured both - as well as my hips, thighs, waist and bust measurements and BMI - daily to the decimal! I used this period to slip to as low a weight as I could. I got to 112.4lb and then stopped weighing myself. That summer I made a conscious effort to stop being so obsessive. I knew it was unhealthy and that it had to stop. This was going pretty well until December when I decided to give my old habit another go again. I was really enjoying the tight feeling in my belly and watching the numbers shrink daily and by New Years Eve I was 110lbs and had a wonderful BMI of 17.9. It was amazing! I ran around in my bra and knickers without feeling like a giant elephant and it was just so very comfortable. It felt right and exactly how I should be. And then, on New Years Day, I decided I was invincible. I had about 3000 calories in total. I decided I am one of those people who can eat exactly what I want but still stay thin. This has been an on/off practuce for the last 3 months but I have finally decided NO MORE. I'm going to start feeling the way my belly contracts in when I don't eat for a few hours, and the way I feel as light as a balloon, as though anyone could pick me up as though I was nothing but a feather again. The being carried around part has always been a weird kind of focus for me.
But enough about history for now. Onwards and upwards, etc. The aim is 105lb (BMI 17.1). I will be happy there, where my thighs arch outwards to create an oval of air inbetween and fat doesn't spill out like the tops of muffins no matter how tight my clothes are. I remember when 119lb seemed so impossible and 105 does, but not nearly in the same way. I've had my final binge. I've had my last an-instant-2lbs free-for-all on crisps and cake. Tomorrow I will pull out all the big guns with an intense work-out and 1000 calorie day and begin the weighing and recording again on Tuesday. By the end of Easter I will be where I need to be and I intend to stay that way. This is going to be an amazing journey; I can just feel it!
Current: 118.6lb - BMI 19.3. 13.6lb to go!
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