Things are better. I got out of my rut and found myself actually enjoying my course and making friends. I'm even going to decrease my antidepressant doseage next week hurrah. Apparently it's freaking awful coming off from venlafaxine so er expect a suicide attempt or something exciting next week. I don't have scales in my new place but I do know I feel a bit flabby. My clothes still fit and stuff but I'm positive there is more fat on my legs and stomach. I weighed myself this weekend when I went home and I was 119lbs (this was at the end of the day when I had just eaten dinner so I expect I'm around 116/7 as my 'real weight').
I have nothing massively amazing to report. I am not feeling dramatic. I am still in love and still need to lose weight. I'm kinda happy though at the same time. It remains to be seen whether this is a good thing or not.
+++countdown+++
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Monday, 11 October 2010
uncomfortably numb
This is going to be a ramble. I apologise profusely in advance.
This was supposed to be my big hurrah; my chance at the cosmopolitan adulthood I have always fantasized about. But I'm struggling. Two weeks into my phd and I've already decided that this is hell on earth and not for me. I hate the subject. I am supposed to be reading reading reading frigging political philosophy and ethics right now (and for the last 5 hours), but instead all I have been doing is shopping for bags I cannot afford.
I need some perspective again.
I'm caught up in a stupid rut of feeling depressed and lethargic and unable to do anything. I don't want to be here. In fact I don't actually want to be anywhere. Sometimes you can't see the point in anything, y'know? That thick wooly curtain made up of all the leftover paint colours no one ever wants to use seems to fall down all around you and you can't find a way out. You can't see that most of the time you don't think like this at all. That there is a point to all of this madness. There is a very carefully planned and real reason why I am here in this wonderful city studying this course. I need to see this again. I'm getting fat again too. There are no scales in this place so god knows how much I weigh. I just want this horrible numbness to go away.
This was supposed to be my big hurrah; my chance at the cosmopolitan adulthood I have always fantasized about. But I'm struggling. Two weeks into my phd and I've already decided that this is hell on earth and not for me. I hate the subject. I am supposed to be reading reading reading frigging political philosophy and ethics right now (and for the last 5 hours), but instead all I have been doing is shopping for bags I cannot afford.
I need some perspective again.
I'm caught up in a stupid rut of feeling depressed and lethargic and unable to do anything. I don't want to be here. In fact I don't actually want to be anywhere. Sometimes you can't see the point in anything, y'know? That thick wooly curtain made up of all the leftover paint colours no one ever wants to use seems to fall down all around you and you can't find a way out. You can't see that most of the time you don't think like this at all. That there is a point to all of this madness. There is a very carefully planned and real reason why I am here in this wonderful city studying this course. I need to see this again. I'm getting fat again too. There are no scales in this place so god knows how much I weigh. I just want this horrible numbness to go away.
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