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Monday, 11 October 2010

uncomfortably numb

This is going to be a ramble. I apologise profusely in advance.

This was supposed to be my big hurrah; my chance at the cosmopolitan adulthood I have always fantasized about. But I'm struggling. Two weeks into my phd and I've already decided that this is hell on earth and not for me. I hate the subject. I am supposed to be reading reading reading frigging political philosophy and ethics right now (and for the last 5 hours), but instead all I have been doing is shopping for bags I cannot afford.

I need some perspective again.

I'm caught up in a stupid rut of feeling depressed and lethargic and unable to do anything. I don't want to be here. In fact I don't actually want to be anywhere. Sometimes you can't see the point in anything, y'know? That thick wooly curtain made up of all the leftover paint colours no one ever wants to use seems to fall down all around you and you can't find a way out. You can't see that most of the time you don't think like this at all. That there is a point to all of this madness. There is a very carefully planned and real reason why I am here in this wonderful city studying this course. I need to see this again. I'm getting fat again too. There are no scales in this place so god knows how much I weigh. I just want this horrible numbness to go away.


  1. this sounds like me, but ive only started my first year. Its pointless - I dont care about the things they are teaching me. Gahhhh. I lack all and any motivation I need to get through this.

    But you've come so far, and it wouldnt be right to give up now! You have the ability to do this.

  2. these are my thoughts EXACTLY (but relating to first year uni). maybe give it some more time...it could just be the shock of actually starting and what it entails?
    chin up love xx

  3. I'm sorry.
    I know exactly how that is. Maybe you should try an anti-depressant? Something low-impact like lexapro maybe? It really helps.

    Stay strong, and think thin. <3


  4. Hi, new follower :)

    And wow I know exactly how you feel, you sound like me when I first started University. Try and give it time? You might be able to settle in :(


    Ps. Your blog is the same design as mine, good taste!

  5. hey sweetheart

    i have got a new diet blog and i will be delighted if you visit it and leave some comments.

    stay pretty

    follow me

    xoxo bubbble

  6. move out to california! I'm sure you'd find a job in a heart beat! Especially with a phd!

  7. oh, i wish i could move to california! the weather in london is so miserable right now. i could do with some sunshine (and a job!) :-) x