break me

I am in limbo. I just eat and eat and eat. Bad food, mostly. I miss my stronger antidepressants. I miss my boyfriend being within reaching distance. I miss strength. I can't even bring myself to go to the gym. I swear I'm verging on obese.

i'm back

Sort of. I found someone who has a weird relationship with food and who can eloquently talk about it without getting anxious like I usually do. She told me how she eats 12 packets of crisp when she's stressed. I've just had 8 packets of Skips. 2 muffins. A huge portion of chips. Massive portion of pasta WITH mozarella. Half a tub of ice cream. Porridge. Who the hell eats all that in one day? It's not normal. So I'm doing it. I'm finishing off my packet of muffins and then tomorrow I'm going back to my old self. I was 122lbs when I weighed myself on Saturday. God knows what I will be now. I intend to be 112 by 10th December. I can't be fat anymore. One more muffin and then that's it. No more food left in my house that will lead me into temptation. I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.
Please, someone, anyone, give me your tips. Anything. I need help with this. I'm outta practice.

anorexia is not beautiful

It is not graceful.

I just found this rather contradictory post:
http://www.2medusa.com/2009/01/anorexic-bulimic-pro-ana-mia-some-tips.html

The images are quite shocking. I don't know what I was doing. Maybe I was feeling sad, maybe I wanted the attention; who knows. But I may have been googling pro-ana sites again and slipped upon this one, which pulled me right away from where I was. Being a skeleton is not beautiful. It's hideous. It's aging and unnatural and why would you want it? The achievement? It's a self-defeating pointless achievement as you're just going to end up dead. I want to be slim and I want to be happy. Happy trumps slim though. I just want to be healthy. I want my skin to glow, my hair to shine and I want the energy to dance and jump and walk and live and breathe.

Is this what you really want?

http://www.2medusa.com/2008/09/bulimia-killswarning-graphic-pictures.html


I'm not going back there. I thought I was tonight. But I'm not. Stay strong - the real, true kind of honest strong - with me?