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Sunday, 9 May 2010

bloodbuzz ohio

I had a couple of triggers tonight. I guess I have been searching for something to push me over the edge and, well, unintentionally I got them. I was in the neighbourhood where I used to live tonight. I walked past the counsellors' office and the doctors where I was diagnosed (whatever that means) last year. I went to a gig venue and stood in the exact same spot where I stood with *him* (see first post). It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In fact I had completely ceased to associate this part of town with him and being ill last summer and so when I went and was reminded it was all quite weird. Inside I curled up small in a little ball and covered my ears and eyes, but outside I was perfectly serene. I have eaten a LOT. Two curries this weekend. Chocolate. Crisps. I'm going to start with giving up bread, drinking tonnes of water and sleeping lots. I hate food, I hate feeling full and heavy and wide. I need to get back to how I used to be. Cravings and hunger are horrible things - but would I rather satsify them or be thin? I want to feel clean and empty again.

I hope everyone's doing good and staying strong xo

2 comments:

  1. gosh, i fucking hate crisps! (i ate them last nite) and its fucking to purge them too.
    try some Sleep Aids from Dollar Tree. magic. they kill ur appetite... stay strong! xoxo

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  2. I've recently found grilled veggies. Zucchini works quite nicely; slice, and heat over medium-high in a non-stick pan. The crispy skin makes my mind think I'm eating something carb-filled and tasty, but it's good for you. good luck on your journey ♥

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