LilySlim Weight charts

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

I haven't danced with bulimia since last August (thought I would clarify, my last post might have seemed a little vague!). It made me pretty ill. More so than starving myself silly, actually (doctor's words).

I slipped tonight, I ate and ate. It was good food - not crisps and sweets but filling and healthy Italian but that still doesn't change things. I slipped up yet again. I need to maintain my focus on exactly what it is I want. Maybe I need to spell out more? Maybe that will make it real. I feel so silly saying it, but what I want is to be so very light and elegant. I don't want to make a single noise when I walk. I want to be able to wear short shorts without worrying that the dimples in the tops of my thighs are showing. I want to be thought of as beautiful on a unianimous scale. I want to model and be celebrated. I want to be successful. And the thing is - I know all of these things can happen for me. They *should* all happen. I just need the gap between my thighs to widen a little bit more. I need discipline. The starting is always so much harder than everything else and I really haven't started yet. I haven't started since December when I got to 110 and then blew it all for a chance to be one of those girls 'who eats so much but never gains weight' (and you guessed it, I gained 8lbs). fdjgelrs;dwltrf. I wish I would get into that mindset already. So jealous of you all who are there in that place.

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