LilySlim Weight charts

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

i think i'm paranoid

I ate quite a bit today. Less than 2000 cal but still far too much. So I ran around in a little circle of feeling fat and sorry for myself, until I somehow dragged myself out of the whirlpool and did some exercise. Why can't I do this everytime? I am only young once. I can't keep flopping around like a wet bloody fish. It's the same pattern as always: *if* I was a size 6 or smaller I wouldn't spend so much money on clothes; I wouldn't spend so much money on food; I would feel happy and content and confident; the world would love me, etc etc. But I never get there. I stop. I get weak. Something trivial like hunger gets in the way and I can never seem to stop it. I have to do this this time. 105 will be enough. I'm not an anorectic; anorectics want to hide their size whereas I will flaunt mine all the time! I would appreciate it more than they do. I am only slightly delusional, promise. Meditation, coffee, appetite supressants, sleep. I can do this.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments and words of kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. It's all quite odd because no one in my real life would ever think I would have a blog like this. A couple of people know about my problems with eating (probably a few more after I screamed out in a very uncharacteristic rage that I hated food during work today) but they all think it is past now. I come across as happy, intelligent and liked. It's just not enough. It's not perfection and that's what I should be. That would sound totally mental to everyone else but you girls I think would understand that. I should be superwoman - perfection is possible.


  1. Garbage, now! Yum! I think I love you! : )

    Don't beat yourself up. It happens. Hunger happens. It gets the best of all of us, and besides you really didn't eat that much.

    Screw textbook anorexia. Eating disordered is eating disordered. I know we all get in our minds that one is better than the other (and I'm one of them, not trying to be a hypocrite). I guess what I'm trying to say is, just because you're not "superwoman" doesn't mean you're not wonderful, strong, courageous and DESERVING of attention and love.

    Got it, dear?

  2. I feel the exact same way! Im not anorexic, but I probably dont exactly eat as much as I should. Its so difficult hiding it from my parents, but I know if I was open about it they would think I had a disorder. example: currently they're grilling hamburgers. a) its 8:30pm, my metabolism is slowing down now. I cant eat. b) its a hamburger. greasy, fatty hamburger. I cant make myself eat it. What do I do??? last night, I hid my chicken fingers in the back of the fridge. idk what I can do tonight.

    The way you think is just like me! It makes me feel so much better to read your blogs. Stay strong girl. we WILL reach perfection.