only the lonely

I am in a real-life, honest-to-god, warts-and-all relationship. He knows I don't eat sometimes (ha. Or at least try not to). I am moving away forever in two months to begin a new fresh life I have been planning for forever. How the hell did this happen?!

wild boys

Why can't life be a Wildfox Couture ad?

I wish everything would stop hurting. I want to feel empty and numb and light again. I want a big gust of wind to come and blow me the fuck away.

turn around, bright eyes

I spent the entire weekend curled up in bed and making shapes under bedsheets with a man I told myself was not right for me. Turns out I was wrong; he was very much right at least in the now. I showed him all my skeletons, wiggled them around and made them say 'Boo!', but he didn't even flinch. Part of me was trying to scare him away because I think he wants to be serious for all the wrong reasons (ie not with me, but the idea of me), the other part was trying to run away for my own wrong reasons (ie general fear of commitment). I'm not going to analyse this one though. I'm just going to have fun with a man who thinks my body is perfect and who makes me laugh and countless other things.

The only downside was that I had a million takeaway and alcohol calories (the worst kind!), and in my usual Monday fashion I binged like a pregnant pig today. Tomorrow I am flicking the switch back to emptiness and control and lightness. I have been so rubbish about skipping breakfast recently which is insane because it's the best meal ever. From tomorrow I intend to wake up at 6am, do 90 minutes of personal project stuff, jet off to work and try subside on about 600 calories (obviously that will be have to be reduced when I get stronger), 200 calorie evening meal and then an early night.

Sorry I have been a bit MIA recently, I am sending out much love and support to everyone! Will get round to all your blogs soon, including all the ones who have just started following. Promise.

mercury summer

I guess I'm a little heartbroken. I get through the days and I even smile quite a bit. But I just feel so bloody empty now that he's gone, my best friend, the man I always thought I would marry, just up'd and left me like it was almost natural. I have been told that he's in a lot worse state than I am over this, but it doesn't change anything. I haven't cried properly yet. I'm one of those slightly stoic entities (I think this is a pattern common to most of us girls yes?!) who never really cries. I maybe do it once ever 6 months, if that. I'm just stalling now. I'm getting through the days, I'm breathing, I'm going to sleep. But I'm not doing anything *real*. I've stopped dieting. I've stopped doing my hobbies. Against all advice, all philosophy, I have become an island. I'm an island and I'm sinking bit by bit. It's taken me 10 days to realise this.

say it ain't so

Women of a certain age often say "I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy over Mr XYZ and instead concentrated on my career and myself". I'm beginning to think that maybe they are right. At least I'm realising it in my early 20s.

Everything about me is old.

exile on main street

I am o-friggin-bese. I had two cakes today. I feel so sick now. I want to fastfastfast again. Please let me do it tomorrow. I want to count all my ribs again; I only see two now.

ps where is 1:10am?!

only the young

This has been one of those pivotal weeks. I can feel it. I forgave George and then today he did something insanely awful to me. And in response he has cut me out of his life?! Not quite sure what his logic is and it's all quite surreal but I am very glad. I have had an amazing, life-changing weekend with my friends, though. Really, really memorable and insane and wonderful and every positive adjective you can think of. I was 114.4 everyday until Saturday, when I jumped up to 115 (probs on account of eating late). I have had about 800 calories today and done a lot of exercise and as I'm typing this from my bed I feel very dizzy so here's hoping the figure is a good one tomorrow. Hope everyone has had wonderful weeks! Will catch up with you all when the room stops spinning xoxo

pretend best friend

Thank you so much to all you lovely, lovely people. He's just not that into you messages are quite daunting to receive but they were very much needed and appreciated. I have decided that George is not my best friend anymore. He's not even a good friend. I'm pretty sure he came out with that comment out of jealousy (it was in direct response to me telling him about a date I had with someone he thinks I shouldn't be with). But the fact that he used something he knew was a weak spot for me (he's slept with another friend of mine before and I didn't speak to him for a month), just shows that he really doesn't care about me. He was the first person I told about my ED and the only person who knows the gruesome details, yet he still called me big last week? I would be upset but it's not even true. Even I, the girl who sees her size 6/8 body as freakishly lumpy and fat, knows I'm not naturally large. My bone structure is friggin' tiny: I'm not naturally the sort of person who carries lots of fat. So that was another example of him being manipulative in a very cruel way.

I got upset first. Angry-upset. I tried to cry but the tears didn't really come out and I tried to shout but all I could manage were a few weak punches in my pillow. I considered posting pro-ana songs on my facebook to get his attention too but thank god I didn't resort to that. I think I'm more or less over it now. I don't get mad - I get thin and fabulous. I was too good for him anyway and this excuse for distance could be a really good thing if I stick it out. I channelled all this into a pseudo-fast today (diet coke, skinny latte and a small sandwich when I started to feel dizzy). I'm going to try to swap the sandwich for a banana tomorrow. I woke up at 116.4 today which was a bit gross. Hopefully I will see smaller number tomorrow. I hope to hell I keep this up.

jealous guy

I'm on the verge of crying. Idontcryidontcryidontcry. He slept with her. I don't have any claim over him; I'm not allowed to be upset over this. But we had an understanding! We're soul mates in every cringe way imaginable and I wouldn't sleep with one of his friends and be so bloody blase about it. I never believed before that men didn't use the chromosome lottery's jackpot of extra testosterone strength to their own ends. I didn't believe that men could be good and understanding and know what a friggin' emotion was before him. Everything he said was a lie. Use the sadness to starve. That's what I've got to do. FUCK HIM. Seriously. Maybe I should cut him out for a little bit. Maybe forever. I'm not sure I could be that childish but I'm going to bloody try. He did this once before and he knew it upset me and I couldn't talk to him for weeks. He says I'm the most important person in his life but would he really have done this knowing full well what it would do to me if that was true? So I'm gone. I deserve better. The only thing he's going to see of me are my skinny, beautiful limbs in photos on facebook. I wonder if I'll still be fat to him then.

rebel yell

I was 114.8 the day after the pseudo-fast :-) It works!!!! It works!!!!! I haven't bothered weighing myself today as I was too hungover to move this morning (I may also have been worried that a bottle of wine would have distorted my number as well), but it's back to reality tomorrow. I hate setting targets but I could realistically get down to 112 by Friday! I feel strangely optimistic. I hope I've not jinxed things. Feeling a bit mushy and romantic today. The love of my life who I'm not actually with/my best friend (I think I'm going to need a codename for him - we'll call him George) spent the weekend with a girl who basically offers herself to him at ever opportunity she gets. It made me realise that I do take him for granted but it still doesn't change the fact that he implied I was fat the other day despite fully knowing the extent and ugliness of my weight insecurities. It doens't matter; I'm glad he did say what he did. It gave me a really strong trigger to actually make a real effort at getting back down to skin and bone again. I hope when I see him this Friday that I'm at least 110. Hope you girls have had a wonderful weekend!

butterfly in reverse

I've never done a fast before. Not properly, anyway. After last night's much-needed kick up the backside, I made a decision not to eat today. I wasn't totally interested - more intrigued if anything. I read an article after posting here that contained a quote from Megan Fox stating she usually only has one meal a day, usually at 10pm at night. Now Megan isn't exactly my kind of thinspo but I figured it could maybe work for me. So I subsided on a skinny latte, a diet coke and a banana from 7.30am until about 7pm tonight when I was dragged out for dinner and ended up having a steak (a steak!!!!! and battered onions!! and fries!!!!!). I'm not totally annoyed at myself for that because that's all I've eaten today, but I could have definitely survived without having the aforementioned meal. I wouldn't have passed out or ended up binging in response. The fact that I fainted ten minutes ago was more to do with eating too much at once.

PS
I was 116 this morning which isn't terrifying. Hopefully will be back int he 115s tomorow hurrah.

motorcycle driveby

I never want to eat again. Three of the most important people in my life have suggested I'm big in the past couple of days. All independent of one another and not dreamt up in my head. I just want to be thin and fragile and beautiful and narrow. I want to be so small I will fit in between the gaps in the wooden bridge near my home so I can slide away into the river and float away. I've just spilt water all over my laptop so if you don't hear from me for a while, I've gone and blown it up.