poetically pathetic

Had a takeaway last night after being so good all day. I told myself I deserved it. Anyway, I ended up throwing up half of it (not intentionally! Mia doesn't work and it takes too much away from you). That's another type of food I can cross off my list! I weighed in at 116.7 this morning - wtf. A takeaway does not constitute a 1.7lb immediate weight gain! Anyway, heading to Egypt now. Stay strong lovelies! I will see you all in a week (when I will hopefully be 6.7lbs lighter).



http://lovemoreblog.blogspot.com/

Ooooh, Freja.

dog days are over

115 this morning :-) This was always my average weight - it's the one number I always seem to flick to no matter what I do. It feels good to be back.

I went for drinks last night. Within seconds of walking through the door a girl I hadn't seen in a while told me ohmygoshyouvegottensothin!! And it was so bloody awkward. No I am not thin. You can say that in 10lbs time. Maybe. My best friend who knows about my 'history' but not my 'current' noticed and killed her off with a yeah, but she's always been tiny comment and the curtains could fall down. Ha, I was tiny when I was 9.5 stone? Sure. I again got far too drunk off one glass of wine and told my friend who has had some non-personal experience with severe EDs that I want to lose 10lbs. That wasn't a good move. I read in someone's blog the amazing advice that you shouldn't tell *anyone* about your diets. I intend to stick to that from now on. Someone told me yesterday how I eat so much but never seem to put on weight. That's the image I should be maintaining!

I have cancelled my date for tonight. Maybe when I return from Egypt I could be lovely and thin and deal with it, but right now I feel like an elephant.

Thank you lovelies for all your support and comments. I will get round to looking at all your blogs very soon.

black balloon

I weighed myself this morning at 116.6. I was so angry! It was liberating in the most beautiful paradox you can imagine. I think I have finally undone the work of counselling, shock tactics from doctors who underestimated my intelligence and two ignored 'urgent' referrals to the EDS. I'm back and ready to get rid of this awful, awful fat again.


bleachblack.com

little lion man

There's nothing like trying on your bikinis for some self-motivated thinspiration. The airline rescheduled my flight for this coming weekend so fingers crossed I will be resembling a beached whale on a beach somewhere in North Africa this time next week :-) Shame I had ice cream tonight after my dinner. And a muffin for breakfast urgh. When I don't sleep, I always seem to eat way more. It's as though being grumpy and sleepy gives me license to stuff my face. I am such a giant pear though. Seriously, my top half is practically perfect. There is zero fat on my chest and arms and my shoulders stick out like a Balmain blazer. It's when you get to my gigantic hips that I run into problems. My bum and thighs are disgusting too. My thighs have a 22 inch circumference - EW. I have read that anything below 20 is small; I would be happy with 18 inches. My smallest was just a bit less than 20 and that was okay but not enough. I still fit into (UK) size 8 jeans from everywhere but Topshop (their trousers are annoying small sizes!) but I would prefer a size 6.

Thanks everyone for your replies yesterday regarding when you weigh yourselves! I think I will stick to mornings for now :-)

sail away with me

I just watched Crazy/Beautiful. Kirsten Dunst is such good thinspo.

I was doing really well today. Just one (albeit large) meal. And then it happened. My hangover got the best of me and I have just had 5 biscuits and a packet of crisps. That's my excuse anyway. Obviously has nothing to do with my lack of control and weakness.

When do you girls weigh yourselves? I always jump on my scales first thing in the morning without any clothes and after going to the toilet. It feels kind of like cheating though. I weighed myself just before my shower tonight and I was 117.2 - 1.2lbs heavier. Which is my 'real' weight?! Sometimes I will fluctuate 3lbs across a day. Does this mean I should aim for 102lbs for my weight in the morning?

politics of starving

Does anyone else find it easier to restrict calories when it's with crappy food than healthier salads, etc? It's really annoying! I can cut my intake down to like 800 calories a day at the moment, but I would rather it be with a skinny blueberry muffin, bag of crisps and 5000 cans of diet coke than 2 salads, oatmeal and a never-ending supply of water.

I forgot that not eating much can seriously effect the impact of alcohol. I had one glass of wine last night and I had to be escorted home! It was pretty embarassing. I don't drink very much anyway (control freak, shock horror!) so I guess it's not going to be too much of an adjustment for me again. I think I have had around 900 calories today - maybe slightly more. I won't be eating for the rest of the day now. The scales were flicking between 115.6 and 116 today :):):)

say hello to the angels

http://src783.blogspot.com/

Feel quite... blah. Skipped breakfast. Had half a curry and rice. Had a Dr Pepper. Had a packet of crisps and tube of sweets. Found out my flight has been cancelled and therefore won't be going to Egypt this weekend. Had the other half of the curry and rice. Slice of cream cake. Chocolate and more sweets.

I remember when I got really good at this whole thing last time and food would actually scare me. Even when I tried to eat again it would make me feel sick and would give me horrible pains in my stomach. I wish I could get back to that. I don't know if I'm disappointed in myself for eating or upset at the cancellation of my holiday. Even if it is just the latter (which it probably is), I am hopefully going to try and channel some of this pain into getting myself back to where I should be. I want to disappear for a while and come back as a little waif of a thing, perfectly angular and compact. I guess I'm not going to get the chance to do that for a while now.

what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful

There's something a little off about this bout of weightloss. I don't know if it's a fear of going over the edge again or whether it's because I am genuinely happy at the moment; either way, my heart isn't exactly in it. I know that if I weigh myself tomorrow and I am 117, I wouldn't be as heart broken as I should be. Maybe this is just what I felt like in the beginning last time - this is normal. Maybe I was just expecting to jump straight into that all-consuming and quite frightening obsession that I last remember. As bad as this sounds, I really miss that feeling. I miss waking up and weighing myself to the decimal, calculating my BMI and then measuring my thigh, waist, hips and bust, noting the changes in a graph or forcing myself back to sleep until I would wake up thinner and smaller. It was freeing and suffocating and secure and scary all at the same time. It was a paradox and it was mine.

japanese gum

I gave in. I weighed myself this morning. 116 :)

But I have eaten quite a lot today. About 1150 calories so far. May just have to skip dinner again tonight if I can.

thrash unreal

It's really bloody difficult skipping breakfast. It was my favourite meal before! But now it's the only meal I can really skip without noticing and so it has had to go :( I have had 1150 calories today (the extra 150 were from a beer I hadn't bargained on having). I guess that means I'm only allowed 850 calories tomorrow to make up for it. Other than missing out on my daily dosage of porridge or toast, the most difficult thing for me is not reaching for the biscuit tin or nipping out to get a packet of sweets whilst at work. What do you girlies do when you're so bored and mentally drained from your job/school/whatever that you feel that there is nothing to do but load up on sugar and carbs to get you through?! I'm up to 5 cups of tea a day but sometimes it's just not enough somehow. I need to get stronger again. I still haven't weighed myself but I think I'm around the 116/117 mark at the moment (*if* I'm not about to get my period - I can't wait until they stop again and I don't have to worry about putting on an extra 3lbs once a month).

heart in the hand of the matter

1000 calories all day! And the last 7 hours have been completely food-free! Not long until I will have built myself back down to 400 :):):)

one for the road

4thandbleekeragency

wild horses couldn't drag me away

I had one last binge today. It's funny, when I binge I usually feel everything physically spreading out and the little glass beaker I push myself into cracking under the strain of my new fleshy mass. Even when I am telling myself 500 times a minute that this is the Last Time; that this will be my last supper; that I will need the energy for a ridiculous exercise binge I never seem to find the time for, I always know that I've completely lost It, the control that is. But this time, whilst eating my slice of carrot cake with butter icing and extra large packet of crisps and hot chocolate with marshmallows, I knew. I know I'm ready to get back down to where I was and beyond. I have skipped dinner and have excuses to skip it for the next three nights.

I'm going to trial not weighing myself too. Because I know I have ballooned beyond belief, I'm worried that weighing myself in the mornings will just depress me and may send me the other way. I'm going to try and see how this goes all this week and next week, when I'm in Egypt, I won't be able to weigh myself then anyway and will probably not be able to eat the food. Two weeks of not knowing how much I weigh!!! Terrifying.

motorcycle drive-by

What the hell is happening.

I am 118lbs. I was 119 yesterday. I am not even eating that much. Well, more than I should be but still less than 2000 calories a day. And I'm exercising a lot. I am essentially doing what normal people do. But normal people don't have to put up with fat literally growing on their hips and thighs at the speed of light. And today has been so utterly miserable. My depression has been quite painful these past few days and so I have been walking around all tragic and woe-is-me which is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. I should have a smile plastered across my face so no one can see that I'm disappearing in the best possible way. I'm scared that my new meds have stopped working. They were making me so happy and active and talkative before. I was a completely different person.

I bought some new jeans today. I shouldn't be spending money but I did and when I took them home, the button wouldn't even fasten. So I had ice cream. And two packets of crisps. And toast. And chocolate. And now I am going to have to face the scale telling me I am 120 tomorrow. I am quite tempted to skip the scales and pretend tonight did not happen and try and somehow get back to that focus I had not so long ago. I want my thinness back. I want thighs that don't jiggle and rub together when I walk. I want my beautiful cheekbones back.

boy about town

Jason Lee Parry photography


116.8lbs
BMI - 19.1
11.8lbs to go!