I'm 121.4. Not even trying to lose weight. fskgjsletf. I hope I can lose 6.4lbs by Friday. I know it sounds impossible. Is it?

firecracker

I bought some scales. I think that's what my first step was, really. I was 122.8 yesterday and 122 today. I think I can do this. I want to be 119 again by the end of this week and 115 by next Friday. It's not a lot to ask for. I'm doing it healthy though. I don't want to look like a friggin zombie. What's the point in that? I'm off to purchase some Diet Coke to get me through the day. Much love, lovelies x

break me

I am in limbo. I just eat and eat and eat. Bad food, mostly. I miss my stronger antidepressants. I miss my boyfriend being within reaching distance. I miss strength. I can't even bring myself to go to the gym. I swear I'm verging on obese.

i'm back

Sort of. I found someone who has a weird relationship with food and who can eloquently talk about it without getting anxious like I usually do. She told me how she eats 12 packets of crisp when she's stressed. I've just had 8 packets of Skips. 2 muffins. A huge portion of chips. Massive portion of pasta WITH mozarella. Half a tub of ice cream. Porridge. Who the hell eats all that in one day? It's not normal. So I'm doing it. I'm finishing off my packet of muffins and then tomorrow I'm going back to my old self. I was 122lbs when I weighed myself on Saturday. God knows what I will be now. I intend to be 112 by 10th December. I can't be fat anymore. One more muffin and then that's it. No more food left in my house that will lead me into temptation. I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.
Please, someone, anyone, give me your tips. Anything. I need help with this. I'm outta practice.

anorexia is not beautiful

It is not graceful.

I just found this rather contradictory post:
http://www.2medusa.com/2009/01/anorexic-bulimic-pro-ana-mia-some-tips.html

The images are quite shocking. I don't know what I was doing. Maybe I was feeling sad, maybe I wanted the attention; who knows. But I may have been googling pro-ana sites again and slipped upon this one, which pulled me right away from where I was. Being a skeleton is not beautiful. It's hideous. It's aging and unnatural and why would you want it? The achievement? It's a self-defeating pointless achievement as you're just going to end up dead. I want to be slim and I want to be happy. Happy trumps slim though. I just want to be healthy. I want my skin to glow, my hair to shine and I want the energy to dance and jump and walk and live and breathe.

Is this what you really want?

http://www.2medusa.com/2008/09/bulimia-killswarning-graphic-pictures.html


I'm not going back there. I thought I was tonight. But I'm not. Stay strong - the real, true kind of honest strong - with me?

i see a river and i want to paint it black

Things are better. I got out of my rut and found myself actually enjoying my course and making friends. I'm even going to decrease my antidepressant doseage next week hurrah. Apparently it's freaking awful coming off from venlafaxine so er expect a suicide attempt or something exciting next week. I don't have scales in my new place but I do know I feel a bit flabby. My clothes still fit and stuff but I'm positive there is more fat on my legs and stomach. I weighed myself this weekend when I went home and I was 119lbs (this was at the end of the day when I had just eaten dinner so I expect I'm around 116/7 as my 'real weight').

I have nothing massively amazing to report. I am not feeling dramatic. I am still in love and still need to lose weight. I'm kinda happy though at the same time. It remains to be seen whether this is a good thing or not.

uncomfortably numb

This is going to be a ramble. I apologise profusely in advance.

This was supposed to be my big hurrah; my chance at the cosmopolitan adulthood I have always fantasized about. But I'm struggling. Two weeks into my phd and I've already decided that this is hell on earth and not for me. I hate the subject. I am supposed to be reading reading reading frigging political philosophy and ethics right now (and for the last 5 hours), but instead all I have been doing is shopping for bags I cannot afford.

I need some perspective again.

I'm caught up in a stupid rut of feeling depressed and lethargic and unable to do anything. I don't want to be here. In fact I don't actually want to be anywhere. Sometimes you can't see the point in anything, y'know? That thick wooly curtain made up of all the leftover paint colours no one ever wants to use seems to fall down all around you and you can't find a way out. You can't see that most of the time you don't think like this at all. That there is a point to all of this madness. There is a very carefully planned and real reason why I am here in this wonderful city studying this course. I need to see this again. I'm getting fat again too. There are no scales in this place so god knows how much I weigh. I just want this horrible numbness to go away.

i'm a mess i'm a wreck

Love love love. I didn't realise just how much it would be. We were curled up in bed at some point between last night and this morning and I confessed that everytime I think of him, see him, speak to him, especially when I say I love you, my eyes water and it takes some kind of outer-worldly strength to pull the floodgates up. This particular time they came crashing down when he admitted it's just the same for him. It's like every little vessel in my body turns from blue to fire-red and I'm set alight all at once whenever we're together. It's so incredibly intense and consuming and absolutely and utterly everything.

I didn't know this was love; I always thought love was cut-out paper hearts and cupcakes and sharing candyfloss at the fair. Is this how I'm going to feel for the next 60 years? I'm afraid I might combust.

i'll be your sorry ever after

Sorry for the complete and utter neglect over the past few weeks. The boyfriend and a brief stint in Italy have consumed my time a bit too much. But I'm back now. Promise! I put on a pound after far too much pizza and pasta in Venice and Sorrento making me a hefty 10.6lbs from my goal weight of 105. I'm still happy and have no real thirst for dieting anymore. Things are going to get tough again soon though. Summer is nearly over. I'll be needing my old friend again soon.

it may be time for mia

annie, did you hear about this one?

Love is making me fat again. He insists I'm skinny and small but I know better. It needs to become a little game again. Maybe if I insist to myself that ana would keep me me; it would stop me from turning too quickly into a big ball of happiness that is content to slob around with a man all day eating takeaways and drinking wine. I am SO SO SO happy and blissful and I have one of those involuntary smug smiles plastered on my face practically all of the time but there is a niggle somewhere. A niggle that I should be doing all kinds of things. A niggle that Ben & Jerry's cookie dough isn't a good idea and a niggle that maybe the sizzle you get when you haven't eaten for a little too long starts in the base of your belly. I want it back.

let the road pave itself

I'm too happy to starve. Go figure. Hovering around the 114.6/115.4 mark. Is this good? Is this bad?! I'm so frigging confused. It's nice, it all really truly and honestly is. Regular sex, cuddles and someone to talk to is lovely. Maybe my eating disorder and I have been friends for far too long; maybe that's it. She always pushed me forward, though! She was the one that made me strive to be the very best person I could possibly be. She made me read every book, collect connections and friends like weapon stockpiles and stay awake until god-knows-o-clock workingworkingworking. All I had to do was restrict my food intake.

And now that I'm happy I don't have time to read anymore. I haven't learnt anything new today. I did have a cake with my lunch and 3 slices of pizza for dinner. I'm also listening to Christian friggin' acousic. Goddamn the One Tree Hill soundtrack. I have always been hyper ambitious and nothing I have ever done has been good enough to the point it hurts. Maybe now that I'm happy I could achieve things. Maybe I would be happy with them.

I am going to kill this man if he has fixed me.

only the lonely

I am in a real-life, honest-to-god, warts-and-all relationship. He knows I don't eat sometimes (ha. Or at least try not to). I am moving away forever in two months to begin a new fresh life I have been planning for forever. How the hell did this happen?!

wild boys

Why can't life be a Wildfox Couture ad?

I wish everything would stop hurting. I want to feel empty and numb and light again. I want a big gust of wind to come and blow me the fuck away.

turn around, bright eyes

I spent the entire weekend curled up in bed and making shapes under bedsheets with a man I told myself was not right for me. Turns out I was wrong; he was very much right at least in the now. I showed him all my skeletons, wiggled them around and made them say 'Boo!', but he didn't even flinch. Part of me was trying to scare him away because I think he wants to be serious for all the wrong reasons (ie not with me, but the idea of me), the other part was trying to run away for my own wrong reasons (ie general fear of commitment). I'm not going to analyse this one though. I'm just going to have fun with a man who thinks my body is perfect and who makes me laugh and countless other things.

The only downside was that I had a million takeaway and alcohol calories (the worst kind!), and in my usual Monday fashion I binged like a pregnant pig today. Tomorrow I am flicking the switch back to emptiness and control and lightness. I have been so rubbish about skipping breakfast recently which is insane because it's the best meal ever. From tomorrow I intend to wake up at 6am, do 90 minutes of personal project stuff, jet off to work and try subside on about 600 calories (obviously that will be have to be reduced when I get stronger), 200 calorie evening meal and then an early night.

Sorry I have been a bit MIA recently, I am sending out much love and support to everyone! Will get round to all your blogs soon, including all the ones who have just started following. Promise.

mercury summer

I guess I'm a little heartbroken. I get through the days and I even smile quite a bit. But I just feel so bloody empty now that he's gone, my best friend, the man I always thought I would marry, just up'd and left me like it was almost natural. I have been told that he's in a lot worse state than I am over this, but it doesn't change anything. I haven't cried properly yet. I'm one of those slightly stoic entities (I think this is a pattern common to most of us girls yes?!) who never really cries. I maybe do it once ever 6 months, if that. I'm just stalling now. I'm getting through the days, I'm breathing, I'm going to sleep. But I'm not doing anything *real*. I've stopped dieting. I've stopped doing my hobbies. Against all advice, all philosophy, I have become an island. I'm an island and I'm sinking bit by bit. It's taken me 10 days to realise this.

say it ain't so

Women of a certain age often say "I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy over Mr XYZ and instead concentrated on my career and myself". I'm beginning to think that maybe they are right. At least I'm realising it in my early 20s.

Everything about me is old.

exile on main street

I am o-friggin-bese. I had two cakes today. I feel so sick now. I want to fastfastfast again. Please let me do it tomorrow. I want to count all my ribs again; I only see two now.

ps where is 1:10am?!

only the young

This has been one of those pivotal weeks. I can feel it. I forgave George and then today he did something insanely awful to me. And in response he has cut me out of his life?! Not quite sure what his logic is and it's all quite surreal but I am very glad. I have had an amazing, life-changing weekend with my friends, though. Really, really memorable and insane and wonderful and every positive adjective you can think of. I was 114.4 everyday until Saturday, when I jumped up to 115 (probs on account of eating late). I have had about 800 calories today and done a lot of exercise and as I'm typing this from my bed I feel very dizzy so here's hoping the figure is a good one tomorrow. Hope everyone has had wonderful weeks! Will catch up with you all when the room stops spinning xoxo

pretend best friend

Thank you so much to all you lovely, lovely people. He's just not that into you messages are quite daunting to receive but they were very much needed and appreciated. I have decided that George is not my best friend anymore. He's not even a good friend. I'm pretty sure he came out with that comment out of jealousy (it was in direct response to me telling him about a date I had with someone he thinks I shouldn't be with). But the fact that he used something he knew was a weak spot for me (he's slept with another friend of mine before and I didn't speak to him for a month), just shows that he really doesn't care about me. He was the first person I told about my ED and the only person who knows the gruesome details, yet he still called me big last week? I would be upset but it's not even true. Even I, the girl who sees her size 6/8 body as freakishly lumpy and fat, knows I'm not naturally large. My bone structure is friggin' tiny: I'm not naturally the sort of person who carries lots of fat. So that was another example of him being manipulative in a very cruel way.

I got upset first. Angry-upset. I tried to cry but the tears didn't really come out and I tried to shout but all I could manage were a few weak punches in my pillow. I considered posting pro-ana songs on my facebook to get his attention too but thank god I didn't resort to that. I think I'm more or less over it now. I don't get mad - I get thin and fabulous. I was too good for him anyway and this excuse for distance could be a really good thing if I stick it out. I channelled all this into a pseudo-fast today (diet coke, skinny latte and a small sandwich when I started to feel dizzy). I'm going to try to swap the sandwich for a banana tomorrow. I woke up at 116.4 today which was a bit gross. Hopefully I will see smaller number tomorrow. I hope to hell I keep this up.

jealous guy

I'm on the verge of crying. Idontcryidontcryidontcry. He slept with her. I don't have any claim over him; I'm not allowed to be upset over this. But we had an understanding! We're soul mates in every cringe way imaginable and I wouldn't sleep with one of his friends and be so bloody blase about it. I never believed before that men didn't use the chromosome lottery's jackpot of extra testosterone strength to their own ends. I didn't believe that men could be good and understanding and know what a friggin' emotion was before him. Everything he said was a lie. Use the sadness to starve. That's what I've got to do. FUCK HIM. Seriously. Maybe I should cut him out for a little bit. Maybe forever. I'm not sure I could be that childish but I'm going to bloody try. He did this once before and he knew it upset me and I couldn't talk to him for weeks. He says I'm the most important person in his life but would he really have done this knowing full well what it would do to me if that was true? So I'm gone. I deserve better. The only thing he's going to see of me are my skinny, beautiful limbs in photos on facebook. I wonder if I'll still be fat to him then.

rebel yell

I was 114.8 the day after the pseudo-fast :-) It works!!!! It works!!!!! I haven't bothered weighing myself today as I was too hungover to move this morning (I may also have been worried that a bottle of wine would have distorted my number as well), but it's back to reality tomorrow. I hate setting targets but I could realistically get down to 112 by Friday! I feel strangely optimistic. I hope I've not jinxed things. Feeling a bit mushy and romantic today. The love of my life who I'm not actually with/my best friend (I think I'm going to need a codename for him - we'll call him George) spent the weekend with a girl who basically offers herself to him at ever opportunity she gets. It made me realise that I do take him for granted but it still doesn't change the fact that he implied I was fat the other day despite fully knowing the extent and ugliness of my weight insecurities. It doens't matter; I'm glad he did say what he did. It gave me a really strong trigger to actually make a real effort at getting back down to skin and bone again. I hope when I see him this Friday that I'm at least 110. Hope you girls have had a wonderful weekend!

butterfly in reverse

I've never done a fast before. Not properly, anyway. After last night's much-needed kick up the backside, I made a decision not to eat today. I wasn't totally interested - more intrigued if anything. I read an article after posting here that contained a quote from Megan Fox stating she usually only has one meal a day, usually at 10pm at night. Now Megan isn't exactly my kind of thinspo but I figured it could maybe work for me. So I subsided on a skinny latte, a diet coke and a banana from 7.30am until about 7pm tonight when I was dragged out for dinner and ended up having a steak (a steak!!!!! and battered onions!! and fries!!!!!). I'm not totally annoyed at myself for that because that's all I've eaten today, but I could have definitely survived without having the aforementioned meal. I wouldn't have passed out or ended up binging in response. The fact that I fainted ten minutes ago was more to do with eating too much at once.

PS
I was 116 this morning which isn't terrifying. Hopefully will be back int he 115s tomorow hurrah.

motorcycle driveby

I never want to eat again. Three of the most important people in my life have suggested I'm big in the past couple of days. All independent of one another and not dreamt up in my head. I just want to be thin and fragile and beautiful and narrow. I want to be so small I will fit in between the gaps in the wooden bridge near my home so I can slide away into the river and float away. I've just spilt water all over my laptop so if you don't hear from me for a while, I've gone and blown it up.

a letter to elise

ldsgjrktfx/]. Maybe I'm too happy for thindom. It's certainly starting to look that way. Fuck yoooou, maturity!

Does anyone take any diet pills or use any form of herbal/chemical appetite suppressant? I have used sea kelp, Adios and some fat metaboliser that worked for about a millisecond. None of these I found worked a great deal. Would love your suggestions?
xoxox

PS
I read on one of your blogs that your doctor had prescribed you an appetite suppresant to stop binges despite being super skinny. Anyone else know anything about this?

i think i'm paranoid

I ate quite a bit today. Less than 2000 cal but still far too much. So I ran around in a little circle of feeling fat and sorry for myself, until I somehow dragged myself out of the whirlpool and did some exercise. Why can't I do this everytime? I am only young once. I can't keep flopping around like a wet bloody fish. It's the same pattern as always: *if* I was a size 6 or smaller I wouldn't spend so much money on clothes; I wouldn't spend so much money on food; I would feel happy and content and confident; the world would love me, etc etc. But I never get there. I stop. I get weak. Something trivial like hunger gets in the way and I can never seem to stop it. I have to do this this time. 105 will be enough. I'm not an anorectic; anorectics want to hide their size whereas I will flaunt mine all the time! I would appreciate it more than they do. I am only slightly delusional, promise. Meditation, coffee, appetite supressants, sleep. I can do this.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments and words of kindness. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. It's all quite odd because no one in my real life would ever think I would have a blog like this. A couple of people know about my problems with eating (probably a few more after I screamed out in a very uncharacteristic rage that I hated food during work today) but they all think it is past now. I come across as happy, intelligent and liked. It's just not enough. It's not perfection and that's what I should be. That would sound totally mental to everyone else but you girls I think would understand that. I should be superwoman - perfection is possible.

turn back time

The parents are back and instantaneously I have also returned to potatoes, gravy, meat, sweets. This is serious. Not even GIS'ing Kate Bosworth is helping me. I need more sleep. Getting thinner is so much easier when I'm totally rested. I managed to get down to 115.8lbs on Saturday. Haven't weighed myself since - too scared. I will do tomorrow. I can do this. I have to do this. I might not be able to skip dinner, but I can skip lunch. I can't stay at this horrible midway-to-thindom state. I just want to be able to throw on a pair of super-tight jeans and look hot, without having to plan how to hide my thunder thighs under floaty material, but still keeping my skinny wrists on show. I want to run around in a bikini without worrying that my bum is causing a bloody earthquake or that flies aren't getting caught in my cellulite. fldsgrewr. Maybe I need a new evening hobby.

the scientist

I was 116 this morning! 1.6lb loss in 2 days isn't too bad. My body feels lighter. When I walk through rooms I almost feel like I'm floating again and it kind of feels magical. That may just be the new dizziness though. I had a skinny latte for breakfast, a 100 cal biscuit for mid-morning, <400 cal pasta for lunch that totally hasn't err digested properly and in the language of the people of the nation of mia that's a negative cal intake, and a 130 cal bag of crisps for mid-afternoon. Less than 700 so far. Some blogs on here recommended reading Diary of an Anorexic Girl by Morgan Menzie. I started it some time ago and never really got into, thinking it unrealistic, inaccurate for most experiences of anorectics and pretty poorly written. The latter may have been because I was reading Dostoyevsky in parallel. Anyway, this week the book came back to me whilst I noticed that a woman where I work has dropped to a BMI of what appears to be 17ish. Maybe lower. She's blaming it on an undiagnosed and probably made-up medical problem. I know that all she lives off is coffee and cigarettes. She's sort of become a point of inspiration for me in my world of girls the same weight or bigger than me. I wouldn't recommend the book to anyone (I found Wasted by Marya Hornbacher to be a much better example of that exhibitionist genre of literature), but finding a real-life point of inspiration certainly seems to be working for me.

pretty hate machine

I weighed myself on Tuesday morning as 117.6. That was fine. I ate less than 1500 calories that day - not my strongest but not my weakest at least. Today I have been pretty darn amazing - about 900 calories max. I know this isn't the 400 I was on this time last year but it is a good step after so many false starts. My stomach feels concave and I'm starting to remember why I like this feeling. If I brave the scales tomorrow I hope to god I'm 115. I need to be the size I should be. I need to be fragile and beautiful again.

we almost had a baby

A 110 calorie cereal bar for late breakfast, skinny latte for mid-morning snack (50 cal), pasta salad for lunch (410 cal), biscuit and Highlights' hot chocolate for dinner (120 cal) minus walking 7 miles (aprox 600 cal) = 90 calories. I'm pretty much in negative figures if you include the general stress of running around an office and ten flights of stairs several times a day. It's good to be left to myself.

I told the boy that it would not work out. He was clearly using me for rebound sex and using knowledge of some very intimate secrets of mine to get his way. This would be fine if I was only looking for fun but that never really works for me no matter what I tell myself. It's not that I get emotionally involved - ha, I wish - very often it's the guy that tries to take things further and I freak out and run away. Or he just still wants fun and I freak out and run away. Running away and staying in my own company is so much more easier sometimes. Maybe when I'm 105 and flimsy I will feel as lightweight and care-free as my body is.

a sorta fairytale

The parents have gone away for a week. It's midday and I haven't eaten yet :-) It's going to be a good week! Have a date tonight. Not sure whether I want to go - would rather stay in and feel the fat literally burn away from my thighs. Gosh, that sounds weird. I miss this feeling. 105lbs here I come.

he lays in the reigns

This is all so much easier when it's warm and summer outside. When the sky is grey and my bones are chattering against my fat, all I want to do is drink hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows and big fat hot meals. All I seem to want to have now is water and salad. Still having to go slow at the moment. From Saturday my parents are away for a week so I can skip dinner without questions hurrah. I will be walking 7 miles a day minimum too :-) I think I'm around 118 at the moment. Maybe less, maybe more. Thank god for Cadbury's Highlights - less than 50 calorie chocolate fix hurrah.

I'm still not sure whether I'm going to get back into this again whilst on anti-depressants. I'm still sad sometimes and angry and depressed in the numb way, but I kind of feel happy and content all the way through. But I shouldn't be content. I have a pair of Topshop tiny tiny size 8 leather skinnies to fit into :-)

back in black

I had to have a bit of a break. Things weren't working. I was stressed (and eating very much like an overweight, over-worked and under-fed stressed person) and it all felt so much like failure. I went to see my doctor who told me I had to give my new meds a bit more of a chance before changing again and work got even more stressful.

And then in the past week things have seemingly transformed. I started wearing tight jeans despite the fact I am 117lbs (at least). I got over my weird intimacy thing. My meds seemed to have also kicked in in the last day or two.

I can't help it though, it's still hanging over me. I shouldn't be this size. My ultimate deadline for weight and size is September and this didn't change during my break. I just stopped trying to actively pursue it for a while.

But I'm going to get there. I feel strong. I have a very big pile of size 6 jeans and short shorts that I intend to wear religiously very soon. It's not starting tonight and it might not start tomorrow but by the weekend I will have begun and it will be bloody amazing.

Hope all of you lovelies have been well and staying strong over the past month! I will try and catch up with everyone soon xoxox

let me ask you this

This isn't a unique and wonderful theory I have come up with all by myself, but it is one I have been seriously thinking about recently. Are all people with eating/weight problems (those that have body dysmorphia, anorexia, ednos and bulimia to some extent - basically all eating disorders other than obesity); do they hold ridiculous ideals for themselves? Do they hold themselves up to a higher standard than they do other people?

Are we all chronic over-achievers?

I have been a chronic over-achiever since I was very young. I learnt to walk before most kids and insisted on walking everywhere whilst my peers were pushed around in prams. I learnt to add, multiply and divide before I was out of nursery. At the age of 9 I had a very strong and distinct image of how I would be when I was 15. That image didn't exactly come true (no I didn't have a wonderful boyfriend whom I loved as did everyone else, no I wasn't head girl with perfect grades, a published author and accepted into Cambridge 3 years early). The images became more and more wild and wonderful and they continue to do so. I haven't succeeded in any of them thus far, although every once in a while I will suddenly realise I feel amazing, I look amazing and I am content and I flick back to my 9 year old self and look up at me now and realise that I'm doing pretty alright for myself.

But is ignorance really bliss? My first doctor told me I need to stop setting impossible targets for myself as it was a problem. I mentioned this in one of the therapy groups I had to attend and it was reported back to me that this isn't true. That goals are really very good for you. Sometimes I think I would be a lot happier if I didn't care and dream so much, but I can't get my head around having that mindframe in the first place! Do I try and tone it down? Will this be translated by my psyche as defeat and my self-worth eroded even further?

You are what you are, I guess.

bloodbuzz ohio

I had a couple of triggers tonight. I guess I have been searching for something to push me over the edge and, well, unintentionally I got them. I was in the neighbourhood where I used to live tonight. I walked past the counsellors' office and the doctors where I was diagnosed (whatever that means) last year. I went to a gig venue and stood in the exact same spot where I stood with *him* (see first post). It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In fact I had completely ceased to associate this part of town with him and being ill last summer and so when I went and was reminded it was all quite weird. Inside I curled up small in a little ball and covered my ears and eyes, but outside I was perfectly serene. I have eaten a LOT. Two curries this weekend. Chocolate. Crisps. I'm going to start with giving up bread, drinking tonnes of water and sleeping lots. I hate food, I hate feeling full and heavy and wide. I need to get back to how I used to be. Cravings and hunger are horrible things - but would I rather satsify them or be thin? I want to feel clean and empty again.

I hope everyone's doing good and staying strong xo

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

I haven't danced with bulimia since last August (thought I would clarify, my last post might have seemed a little vague!). It made me pretty ill. More so than starving myself silly, actually (doctor's words).

I slipped tonight, I ate and ate. It was good food - not crisps and sweets but filling and healthy Italian but that still doesn't change things. I slipped up yet again. I need to maintain my focus on exactly what it is I want. Maybe I need to spell out more? Maybe that will make it real. I feel so silly saying it, but what I want is to be so very light and elegant. I don't want to make a single noise when I walk. I want to be able to wear short shorts without worrying that the dimples in the tops of my thighs are showing. I want to be thought of as beautiful on a unianimous scale. I want to model and be celebrated. I want to be successful. And the thing is - I know all of these things can happen for me. They *should* all happen. I just need the gap between my thighs to widen a little bit more. I need discipline. The starting is always so much harder than everything else and I really haven't started yet. I haven't started since December when I got to 110 and then blew it all for a chance to be one of those girls 'who eats so much but never gains weight' (and you guessed it, I gained 8lbs). fdjgelrs;dwltrf. I wish I would get into that mindset already. So jealous of you all who are there in that place.

live as you dream

Keep your eyes on the prize, dolls.

Do you really need that can of full-sugar Coke when there's a Diet Coke sitting right next to it that's not going to stick straight onto your hips? Do you really, really need that blueberry muffin, skinny or not, when you could hover around that tickling feeling in the base of your stomach for a couple more hours, knowing that you were strong and in control by the way you feel lighter and dizzier by the second?

I am a hypocrite but I need to start asking myself these questions a little more often. I am dehydrated and tired. These things push me to eat and drink things I don't really want and take me further and further away from what I want to be.

Bulimia is never the answer; it just doesn't work. Neither does jumping straight from a binge to starvation. It really does have to be gradual process. I have had about 1400 calories today and I'm just about to go to the gym to burn off 400 of them. I'm okay with this for now because I know it's the only way.

back in black

I'm back! Have missed you lovelies a lotlotlot. I missed having somewhere to record everything down, too. Egypt was wonderful. Saw a lot of amazing things and got a pretty good tan. Didn't manage to lose the weight I wanted though - got my favourite time of the month the day after I arrived and we were doing so much travelling I found myself needing full-sugar Coke just to avoid passing out. I found myself back to a lovely round 115lbs though this morning. I jumped on the weighing scales at the airport in Egypt (you know, the ones at the check-in desks that weigh your luggage then zoom it off to who-knows-where because it had been 7 whole days since I had last weighed myself and I just couldn't wait any longer) and it told me I was 53kg. A bunch of people I had met shouted 'anorexic' at me which was mildly ironic. Not quite, loves, not quite. 53 is pretty disgusting for me. Kilogram isn't my favourite way of measuring my weight (does that sound weird?!), but if I had to pick a metric value it would be around 48. This could be indicative that my obsession with numbers is beginning again, but, for now, the aim is still 105lbs and I'm still hoping to achieve this by the end of May.

poetically pathetic

Had a takeaway last night after being so good all day. I told myself I deserved it. Anyway, I ended up throwing up half of it (not intentionally! Mia doesn't work and it takes too much away from you). That's another type of food I can cross off my list! I weighed in at 116.7 this morning - wtf. A takeaway does not constitute a 1.7lb immediate weight gain! Anyway, heading to Egypt now. Stay strong lovelies! I will see you all in a week (when I will hopefully be 6.7lbs lighter).



http://lovemoreblog.blogspot.com/

Ooooh, Freja.

dog days are over

115 this morning :-) This was always my average weight - it's the one number I always seem to flick to no matter what I do. It feels good to be back.

I went for drinks last night. Within seconds of walking through the door a girl I hadn't seen in a while told me ohmygoshyouvegottensothin!! And it was so bloody awkward. No I am not thin. You can say that in 10lbs time. Maybe. My best friend who knows about my 'history' but not my 'current' noticed and killed her off with a yeah, but she's always been tiny comment and the curtains could fall down. Ha, I was tiny when I was 9.5 stone? Sure. I again got far too drunk off one glass of wine and told my friend who has had some non-personal experience with severe EDs that I want to lose 10lbs. That wasn't a good move. I read in someone's blog the amazing advice that you shouldn't tell *anyone* about your diets. I intend to stick to that from now on. Someone told me yesterday how I eat so much but never seem to put on weight. That's the image I should be maintaining!

I have cancelled my date for tonight. Maybe when I return from Egypt I could be lovely and thin and deal with it, but right now I feel like an elephant.

Thank you lovelies for all your support and comments. I will get round to looking at all your blogs very soon.

black balloon

I weighed myself this morning at 116.6. I was so angry! It was liberating in the most beautiful paradox you can imagine. I think I have finally undone the work of counselling, shock tactics from doctors who underestimated my intelligence and two ignored 'urgent' referrals to the EDS. I'm back and ready to get rid of this awful, awful fat again.


bleachblack.com

little lion man

There's nothing like trying on your bikinis for some self-motivated thinspiration. The airline rescheduled my flight for this coming weekend so fingers crossed I will be resembling a beached whale on a beach somewhere in North Africa this time next week :-) Shame I had ice cream tonight after my dinner. And a muffin for breakfast urgh. When I don't sleep, I always seem to eat way more. It's as though being grumpy and sleepy gives me license to stuff my face. I am such a giant pear though. Seriously, my top half is practically perfect. There is zero fat on my chest and arms and my shoulders stick out like a Balmain blazer. It's when you get to my gigantic hips that I run into problems. My bum and thighs are disgusting too. My thighs have a 22 inch circumference - EW. I have read that anything below 20 is small; I would be happy with 18 inches. My smallest was just a bit less than 20 and that was okay but not enough. I still fit into (UK) size 8 jeans from everywhere but Topshop (their trousers are annoying small sizes!) but I would prefer a size 6.

Thanks everyone for your replies yesterday regarding when you weigh yourselves! I think I will stick to mornings for now :-)

sail away with me

I just watched Crazy/Beautiful. Kirsten Dunst is such good thinspo.

I was doing really well today. Just one (albeit large) meal. And then it happened. My hangover got the best of me and I have just had 5 biscuits and a packet of crisps. That's my excuse anyway. Obviously has nothing to do with my lack of control and weakness.

When do you girls weigh yourselves? I always jump on my scales first thing in the morning without any clothes and after going to the toilet. It feels kind of like cheating though. I weighed myself just before my shower tonight and I was 117.2 - 1.2lbs heavier. Which is my 'real' weight?! Sometimes I will fluctuate 3lbs across a day. Does this mean I should aim for 102lbs for my weight in the morning?

politics of starving

Does anyone else find it easier to restrict calories when it's with crappy food than healthier salads, etc? It's really annoying! I can cut my intake down to like 800 calories a day at the moment, but I would rather it be with a skinny blueberry muffin, bag of crisps and 5000 cans of diet coke than 2 salads, oatmeal and a never-ending supply of water.

I forgot that not eating much can seriously effect the impact of alcohol. I had one glass of wine last night and I had to be escorted home! It was pretty embarassing. I don't drink very much anyway (control freak, shock horror!) so I guess it's not going to be too much of an adjustment for me again. I think I have had around 900 calories today - maybe slightly more. I won't be eating for the rest of the day now. The scales were flicking between 115.6 and 116 today :):):)

say hello to the angels

http://src783.blogspot.com/

Feel quite... blah. Skipped breakfast. Had half a curry and rice. Had a Dr Pepper. Had a packet of crisps and tube of sweets. Found out my flight has been cancelled and therefore won't be going to Egypt this weekend. Had the other half of the curry and rice. Slice of cream cake. Chocolate and more sweets.

I remember when I got really good at this whole thing last time and food would actually scare me. Even when I tried to eat again it would make me feel sick and would give me horrible pains in my stomach. I wish I could get back to that. I don't know if I'm disappointed in myself for eating or upset at the cancellation of my holiday. Even if it is just the latter (which it probably is), I am hopefully going to try and channel some of this pain into getting myself back to where I should be. I want to disappear for a while and come back as a little waif of a thing, perfectly angular and compact. I guess I'm not going to get the chance to do that for a while now.

what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful

There's something a little off about this bout of weightloss. I don't know if it's a fear of going over the edge again or whether it's because I am genuinely happy at the moment; either way, my heart isn't exactly in it. I know that if I weigh myself tomorrow and I am 117, I wouldn't be as heart broken as I should be. Maybe this is just what I felt like in the beginning last time - this is normal. Maybe I was just expecting to jump straight into that all-consuming and quite frightening obsession that I last remember. As bad as this sounds, I really miss that feeling. I miss waking up and weighing myself to the decimal, calculating my BMI and then measuring my thigh, waist, hips and bust, noting the changes in a graph or forcing myself back to sleep until I would wake up thinner and smaller. It was freeing and suffocating and secure and scary all at the same time. It was a paradox and it was mine.

japanese gum

I gave in. I weighed myself this morning. 116 :)

But I have eaten quite a lot today. About 1150 calories so far. May just have to skip dinner again tonight if I can.

thrash unreal

It's really bloody difficult skipping breakfast. It was my favourite meal before! But now it's the only meal I can really skip without noticing and so it has had to go :( I have had 1150 calories today (the extra 150 were from a beer I hadn't bargained on having). I guess that means I'm only allowed 850 calories tomorrow to make up for it. Other than missing out on my daily dosage of porridge or toast, the most difficult thing for me is not reaching for the biscuit tin or nipping out to get a packet of sweets whilst at work. What do you girlies do when you're so bored and mentally drained from your job/school/whatever that you feel that there is nothing to do but load up on sugar and carbs to get you through?! I'm up to 5 cups of tea a day but sometimes it's just not enough somehow. I need to get stronger again. I still haven't weighed myself but I think I'm around the 116/117 mark at the moment (*if* I'm not about to get my period - I can't wait until they stop again and I don't have to worry about putting on an extra 3lbs once a month).

heart in the hand of the matter

1000 calories all day! And the last 7 hours have been completely food-free! Not long until I will have built myself back down to 400 :):):)

one for the road

4thandbleekeragency

wild horses couldn't drag me away

I had one last binge today. It's funny, when I binge I usually feel everything physically spreading out and the little glass beaker I push myself into cracking under the strain of my new fleshy mass. Even when I am telling myself 500 times a minute that this is the Last Time; that this will be my last supper; that I will need the energy for a ridiculous exercise binge I never seem to find the time for, I always know that I've completely lost It, the control that is. But this time, whilst eating my slice of carrot cake with butter icing and extra large packet of crisps and hot chocolate with marshmallows, I knew. I know I'm ready to get back down to where I was and beyond. I have skipped dinner and have excuses to skip it for the next three nights.

I'm going to trial not weighing myself too. Because I know I have ballooned beyond belief, I'm worried that weighing myself in the mornings will just depress me and may send me the other way. I'm going to try and see how this goes all this week and next week, when I'm in Egypt, I won't be able to weigh myself then anyway and will probably not be able to eat the food. Two weeks of not knowing how much I weigh!!! Terrifying.

motorcycle drive-by

What the hell is happening.

I am 118lbs. I was 119 yesterday. I am not even eating that much. Well, more than I should be but still less than 2000 calories a day. And I'm exercising a lot. I am essentially doing what normal people do. But normal people don't have to put up with fat literally growing on their hips and thighs at the speed of light. And today has been so utterly miserable. My depression has been quite painful these past few days and so I have been walking around all tragic and woe-is-me which is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. I should have a smile plastered across my face so no one can see that I'm disappearing in the best possible way. I'm scared that my new meds have stopped working. They were making me so happy and active and talkative before. I was a completely different person.

I bought some new jeans today. I shouldn't be spending money but I did and when I took them home, the button wouldn't even fasten. So I had ice cream. And two packets of crisps. And toast. And chocolate. And now I am going to have to face the scale telling me I am 120 tomorrow. I am quite tempted to skip the scales and pretend tonight did not happen and try and somehow get back to that focus I had not so long ago. I want my thinness back. I want thighs that don't jiggle and rub together when I walk. I want my beautiful cheekbones back.

boy about town

Jason Lee Parry photography


116.8lbs
BMI - 19.1
11.8lbs to go!

sympathy for the devil

I have finally cracked it! I'm lying in bed clutching at my stomach and have the biggest smile on my face because I'm back to where I should be. I can feel my belly tingling like little bells are rocking against the insides and ringing out the sound of success, of beauty and control and everything else. And I have no desire to eat at all.

I have been trying something different this time. Before, I could go straight from normal to 500 calories a day without any slow descent. My recent binging (that has been going on since 1 January!) is going to require a bit more of a downgrading, particularly seeing as I didn't put on any weight from eating takeaways and chocolate like it was going out of fashion due to a lot of exercise and sea kelp. I have been so busy at work that I don't really have enough time to eat much anymore. I have a slice of toast in the morning, copious amounts of tea and coffee throughout the day, a salad or soup for lunch, followed by perhaps some crisps, and then whatever my parents make for dinner. I am still mostly eat dinner at the moment. I skip it only once or twice a week: slow descents. I take any excuse at work to walk to other departments and rooms, fidgeting, fidgeting, fidgeting constantly. I haven't weighed myself for the past couple of days. I got my period on Friday which would explain why I was 119lbs, but that's also quite a promising sign. I will be 114lbs by the end of the week. Two people called me tiny on Saturday night. What a lovely word! A little misplaced right now but it will sound better next to my name soon enough.

I have a date tomorrow night. Another excuse to skip dinner!

the ice is getting thinner

Tips I've picked up on my rounds on pro-ana sites that I think have potential/tried and tested:

- Keep a stash of prothinspo images. Google image search 'go to' celebs you know wouldn't ever fail you for when you're feeling weak, eg Kate Bosworth, Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan, Erin Wasson.
- Drink black tea, black coffee or water whenever you feel hungry! The caffeine in tea and coffee will perk you up, the water will clean out your body and tea is filled with antioxidants. They also fill you up :-)
- Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. You will train yourself not to think about eating.
- Eat in front of the mirror (naked or not!).
- Fidget fidget fidget!
- If you feel like you need to binge, go for a walk and make yourself busy for 20 minutes. If you're on your own, do starjumps in front of the mirror!
- Chew very slowly. Break the food down as much as possible! You will feel fuller quicker.
- Eat seaweed or take kelp pills to boost your metabolism.
- Sleep as much as possible. Not only does that mean you skip meals, it is also proven that those that sleep more tend to eat less than those who do not.

have you seen me lately?

Struggling so badly. The first step is always the hardest and I can't seem to meaningfully jump forward. Had another binge today (MacDonald's meal with full fat Coke, piece of cake with icing, 2 packets of crisps, sweets, chocolate, full breakfast and dinner) and that makes 3 days in a row. I weighed myself this morning at 118lbs. 118!! I can't wait until I leave this job and live by myself again so I don't have to hide my habits anymore (not that anyone takes any notice anyway - everyone I live with have their own food problems). I have to stop it tomorrow. It has to stop. I am going to leave my cash and cards at home and have only a slice of toast for breakfast, soup and roll for lunch and something like toast for dinner. Toast is a wonder-food. It makes you feel so full! It's a nasty carb, I know, but for 170 calories you can have a slice of yummy white with full-fat butter spread on it. It warms you up (all those familiar with the rather cooling effect of weightloss with hear me here!) and it tastes GOOD. I always round up my calories anyway - tomorrow I will have 800 calories, which is more like 600 in reality. That should jump-start the control again. It's funny, when I lose control with food I usually lose control with money. I spent $400 on rubbish last night. I need a plan and the guts to follow it through. This will be my diet tomorrow:

6:45am Wake up and go for a run if it isn't raining too hard. If it is, yoga and cardio in my bedroom.
7:15am Breakfast of water, tea and orange juice.
10:30am Black tea.
13:00 If hungry, tomato soup and breadroll. If not hungry, skinny latte to go in the library.
15:00 Black tea.
18:00 Whatever dinner my father makes (first steps first!).

IhavehaveHAVEhavehavetodothis.

i'll be your mirror

I haven't had that great moment of determination yet, but I have somehow managed to sink down to 116.6. I'm absolutely terrified that it's just water weight and that it will pile straight back on tomorrow morning (particularly seeing as I had an extra large popcorn at the cinema tonight...). I need to drag some of that focus back to me. I am quitting my gym, which, ironically, I am hoping will let me lose weight. See, when I plan to go, I always have to ensure I eat a lot that day in order to build up some stamina for a workout. So no more! I'm clipping away at all of my stock excuses to eat unnecessarily. I'm going to re-start yoga and meditating as well and see if this helps me find the focus and inner strength I need.

116.6lbs
18.9 BMI
11.6lbs to go!

every end has a start

I decided about a week ago to start some sort of record of my - well, what can I really call it? My doctor would probably call it my undoing or something much more dramatic, but that seems far too negative. These past three years of active and physical 'undoing' have actually been pretty positive in some ways. In some ways these past three years have also seen quite manical periods of insanity, but at least it has given a focus and central point to my madness and it is certainly the case that not all of these periods were driven by what I will call my inconsistent penchant for starvation and weight control.

My highest weight was 136lbs. As I am 167cm, that made my BMI 22.1. It was hardly obesity but it still felt incredibly gross. My constant mantra back then was "when I get to 119lbs, I will...". So two years ago I finally pulled together the focus and control and for two weeks I ate 500 calories and ran twice a day and by the end of it, to my amazement, I found my scales reading 121lbs. I upped and downed for a while and then last year things got a bit more serious. I had played around with laxatives before, but around Christmas 2008 I was eating so little and taking so many of them that I was either fainting or lying vertically whilst clutching my stomach in agony most of the time. At this point I was still hovering around the 121lb mark (anyone who has had experience with any form of bulimia will tell you it's a rubbish way to lose weight). I had a little rest for a while and then drowned myself in calorie limiting and controlled bulimia at around Easter 2009. And then, one night after Easter, something out-of-this-world-life-changing happened. Even now I'm not completely sure whether it was as terrible as it felt. I've developed a skill in dancing around the subject and that's exactly what I'm going to do here. On this night, under the guise of far too much alcohol and feign-sleeping, someone took the control away from me in my own room and in my own bed. I guess that wasn't particularly subtle! The following day I found I was 118lb - my lowest weight yet and 1lb below my target. It felt, ironically, fantastic. At this point I was blaming myself for The Incident. Sometimes today I still do. As far as I was concerned, he had done nothing wrong and my reactions (which included a long series of panic attacks and other lovely things) indicated only my own weaknesses. The following week I booked an appointment to see a counsellor about these weaknesses I saw in myself. I was convinced she would tell me that I was indeed over-reacting, but within 5 minutes of sitting down she had used the r word, informed me I had a severe eating disorder (to which I was oblivious to) and had me in floods of tears. I'm not exactly the crying sort!! She persuaded me to book a doctors appointment that day, which I did, and the doctor sat with me for quite a scary and extraordinary-for-the-NHS hour. He gave me a super-urgent referral to the Eating Disorder Service and a series of annoying blood tests. He also amazingly rounded my weight up and my height down, despite the fact I told him I measured both - as well as my hips, thighs, waist and bust measurements and BMI - daily to the decimal! I used this period to slip to as low a weight as I could. I got to 112.4lb and then stopped weighing myself. That summer I made a conscious effort to stop being so obsessive. I knew it was unhealthy and that it had to stop. This was going pretty well until December when I decided to give my old habit another go again. I was really enjoying the tight feeling in my belly and watching the numbers shrink daily and by New Years Eve I was 110lbs and had a wonderful BMI of 17.9. It was amazing! I ran around in my bra and knickers without feeling like a giant elephant and it was just so very comfortable. It felt right and exactly how I should be. And then, on New Years Day, I decided I was invincible. I had about 3000 calories in total. I decided I am one of those people who can eat exactly what I want but still stay thin. This has been an on/off practuce for the last 3 months but I have finally decided NO MORE. I'm going to start feeling the way my belly contracts in when I don't eat for a few hours, and the way I feel as light as a balloon, as though anyone could pick me up as though I was nothing but a feather again. The being carried around part has always been a weird kind of focus for me.

But enough about history for now. Onwards and upwards, etc. The aim is 105lb (BMI 17.1). I will be happy there, where my thighs arch outwards to create an oval of air inbetween and fat doesn't spill out like the tops of muffins no matter how tight my clothes are. I remember when 119lb seemed so impossible and 105 does, but not nearly in the same way. I've had my final binge. I've had my last an-instant-2lbs free-for-all on crisps and cake. Tomorrow I will pull out all the big guns with an intense work-out and 1000 calorie day and begin the weighing and recording again on Tuesday. By the end of Easter I will be where I need to be and I intend to stay that way. This is going to be an amazing journey; I can just feel it!

Current: 118.6lb - BMI 19.3. 13.6lb to go!